Out of the Box(es): Part 2

I found a photo of a young lady in my hubby's old diary. At the back of the photo is written "...every step is closer to you, everything I do reminds me of you, everything I do, I'll do it for you.." (Bryan Adams?..heheh). Then she concluded something in Malay about taking care of their relationship. Now, how did I react to that? Well, I think it is just so sweet. Of course it is sweet as it took place more than 10 years ago, if it was written just recently, I'll ignite World War III as soon as he comes home!

My point is, I wonder what happened to them? I heard from my hubby that the girl left him for another friend..ouch! Well, been there, done that. (I know the person who I have wronged visits my blog once in a while, so, dear ____, if you are reading this, I hope you have forgiven me..friends for eva, ok) :).

Ah..well, my hubby told me he used to have this picture of the kind of woman he wanted for a wife. Mind you, I do not fit in any the criteria. He liked women who are demure, innocent looking, 'properly' attired and sweet and submissive, I guess. Well, he got the total opposite! I wonder why he took the risk of getting close to me, when he knew back then I was..(what was I? Lyana and Mimi, please explain, what was I?).

I wish to be sweet, demure, submissive and everything nice..but I can't. At least I am thankful that I am honest and that I don't like to muddle into other people's business. Yes, I get in trouble once in a while, but I like it! Hehehhe..Then I will try my best to get out of the trouble and I'm fine.

I do not keep any momentoes from the past. I used to have them, but then, sadly to say, my hubby disposed of them away. I was kinda sad when I learnt about it, but I guess I understand how he must have felt at that instance. By the way, this took place when our marriage was still young. I don't really care much about those photos, cards, teddy bears and other stuff presented to me. It was the thought that matters most, at least I knew those lads used to have some sort of a feeling towards me, and that they were not afraid to let me know. Well, in the past, I believe the feeling was mutual. So, I'll cherish the fond memories.

What I have before me today is the one that matters most. I know marriage is a gamble, and I am not planning to be the loser nor the winner. I believe both hubby and I should enjoy the equal share of this blissful liasion. Last night, after going through his effects, I believe God has answered my prayer I made when I saw him on his way to the mosque on campus, back in 1999. I am not sure if he reflects upon his life today or not, but as for me, I am contented.

He told me not to change into the 'ideal woman' he wanted in the past, as he fears that this will make him to lose me as a person, whom he took the risk of getting to know to. I think that is just so sweet. He is no Mr. Romantic and that sometimes his Sabahan dialect seems rather harsh to my liking, but he is my Hero.

He does not read my blog (as he said too wordy and no pictures), I do not complain. Some people have limitations...hahhaha. Ah well, that's Suzalie, the man God sent from Heaven to be my man and the father to my kids..Wonder where he got so much patience dealing with a person like me? God, I love him...

Out of the Box(es)

No..there won't be any twist in the ending for this post. You'll get what you read.

I have been away from the virtual world for almost a week already..I cannot deny that I miss my friends here terribly. I have been very very busy with the new home. Done a lot of unpacking and throwing away stuff. Talking about getting rid off stuff, I never knew that for the past 5 years, I have been collecting junks. Goodness! We needed three trips (3 tonnes lorry) to shift the things to the new place..and the old place was just a 950sf apartment!

Now that the new place is a larger condo unit, I hope we won't stock up any unwanted things again. I hope to abstain from buying more clothes and shoes..goodness. I wonder how many pairs of shoes does a sensible woman need in her life? The truth is that I've already about 10 pairs in my car, not more than 4 pairs in my hubby's car (saja je taruk situ...just to stamp MY presence in his car, huh!). I have many more at home..but I always end up wearing the same black stillettoes to work and my dilapidated sandals for driving...Oh yes, I just bought a pair of black boots (very high cut) as a preparation for my trip to Tokyo this coming winter. Now, I wonder where to statch them..

Clothes? Good Heavens...another problem. I've unpacked some boxes and found some clothes still nicely packed since our move from London in 2004. The fresh smell of the detergent used back then still lingers. Man, now I miss London (pulak dah!).

My hubby got suspicious of my junk throwing frenzy, so he dug into some of the boxes..guess what, he scolded me for throwing away some of those unwanted stuff as he believes of their sentimental value. One sweet gesture that he made was when he took out the already 'carca-marba' and faded green quilt comforter from the box, and declared keeping it as it carries the fond memories during my pregnancy. (He has many times openly declared that he prefers me being pregnant..tu sebab I've been conceiving tak renti-renti ni...hahhahah). Another dilapidated thing we are keeping is his red and blue Coleman sleeping bag, he said it reminds him of his mountain climbing days...another thing is that he believes Adam (my son) was conceived on that..(ops!)

Hmmm..finally got rid of my so many plastic containers, that shows how very often we 'tapau' food and shows how busy the lady of the house is..

Now my mission is to find the connecting wire for the PC and camera, so that I can download some pics...but before that, I've to go to TM to change my add and number, I really need the Net..life seems incomplete without it...hehehhe.

Will write about the new place when I have settled with things here. As a start, let me just give you a sneek peek of the new place. My kids think it's haunted, duh! Sigh..so much of adjusting to be done. Wish me luck, friends.

Sayonara Love

This is the ultimate ending to our liaison. Forgive me, love for I have no choice but to leave you. Life must go on with us going on separate ways. I will cherish the sweet memories of us together, you have never failed to fulfill my needs.

You have made me a woman. I was just an empty soul before you came into my life. You gave me life, the reason to live in this cold world. You had trust in me to actualize some of my dreams. You were my shoulder to cry on.

I could still remember those crazy nights when we used to explore new possibillities. Thank you so much, for your patience, now I am a woman who has 'seen and done it all'. Sometimes I wish we could do it again. How I am going to miss you terribly, darling.

I hope I have cared and loved you enough. Forgive me if I have wronged you, dear.

So this shall be the end of us. I cannot deny this pain I am having for leaving you. Please understand, dear, there is a new life ahead that I have to venture on. I must leave you, please understand.

I hope you would find peace in your new life ahead. You must be strong, I know you would, as I have gained so much strength from you. God knows how my heart is bleeding to leave you..but I really have to.

With a heavy heart, I bid you farewell, love. Thank you for everything.

P/S: This is a tribute to my beloved gas stove that has faithfully served my family for 6 years. We are shifting to a new place today, unfortunately, we have no space for the 'old cooker'.

The 'new possibilities' mentioned above are the new recipes that I tried at home.

Life is cruel for unwanted furniture and home appliances, I know. I pray that they would find peace in their new life. I dare not sell them off as I do not want to gain from the misfortune of others.

The Original Sin

Can it be sinful if it is done with good intentions? Lying becomes permissible to man who lies to his wife in order to save the marriage. Thus, can keeping a secret about one's infidelity be sinful as well? The end is to safeguard the family.

Loneliness plays tricks on a curious mind. Some become daredevils to actually go to the land of the infidels. One might only dare to have a virtual visit. I wonder if the damage is equal to those who are physically out there in that devilish meadow? Will it still be a sin if the other party is clueless of the deed? How can it be a sin if no one is hurt?

The tricks of the intellect. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us. There will be days when you have 'other pleasures' on your mind to keep boredom at bay. You tend to float happily in the virtual world that you dare not stop. Still keeping secret, at least this will make you sane!

Reading back between the lines of the virtual happiness, wonder why it has to end. When that and this reality simply do not mix. Or perhaps one has muddled them all up, thus was in total confusion. I wonder what actually happened.....

What did ye seek in me?
A solace to thy mind
or a mate in passing by.

What joy have I brought to ye?
A joy of a true friend
or just a humour of a clown.

I have slipped through
an opening of your window.
You, willingly
let me linger.

But why
you suddenly
give an empty show?

Loneliness

The words of this song by Babyface cry out the loneliness that I used to feel. Sometimes, I do still feel lonely, for no apparent reason. Perhaps life has been so predictable that everything seems so numb.

Wish to have someone who could just listen and understand. I am not seeking for another, just someone to take heed. My womanly mind is stuffed with so many things. I am no man with the ability to compartmentalize my feelings. I am who I am, I can't hide my sadness or happiness.

Sigh..Sometimes, I do want to let it out of my system, but I just don't know how.

I am playing in my imaginary playground now..at least this will keep me sane, for a moment. My imaginary playmates are here with me, they are the inhabitants of my other self. I hope they will stick around being my mates, even though in reality, we have ceased to be friends. I hate it when things come to an abrupt ending.

What do I seek?
A solace to my mind.
In words I know
I find comfort.

Dangerous Minds

Hahhaha..just read an article on why men cheat..came across this phrase "men are good at compartmentalizing their feelings..". I will definitely comment on this, after I've taken my shower, eat and relax a bit...will be back!

Pensive

Pardon me, friends. I am not in the right motivation to scribble anything fruitful for you all. I need some space here to be with myself. Every inch of me seems so numb, so I am emotionless. Just let me be. I will get by sooner or later. Take care.

Corat - coret Familiku

So I'm going to have to use a bit of 'bahasa rojak' here today as to preserve the originality of statements. These are the words of my loved ones in response to various situations. Many an occasions have I been dumbfounded by these innocent but sometime rather naughty expressions. I guess I just have to share these with ya all...

#1 Rule(r) of the Thumb

My hubby's problem solving method when there was no ruler at sight - One night when he was tutoring the kids, I heard him saying in his Malay Sabahan dialect assuring to the kids, "Wei bapak dulu masa sekolah mana ada pembaris, bah, kami guna ibu jarik sajak..nenek kau endak marah pun". My son, Adam was so happy, so he right away used his tiny thumb as the ruler to draw the margin. Sarah was not satisfied, she was about to leave the table when her bapak asked what was wrong. She said she was going to confirm her bapak's little story with me, then I heard, "..alah tak payah lah, nanti bising tu...". The result: the lines were all so crooked that I made them draw them again using MY ruler.

Moral : Always eavesdrop your hubby's conversation with the kids, as men tend to use their so called practical solution at the wrong places!

#2 Black Undies

During Raya shopping at the Sogo Shopping Complex - We were at the lingerie section, there were a couple of guys around, maybe waiting for their wives and girlfriends. I was browsing around for some things there when Sarah said out loud, "Mommy, Sarah nak black underware." Surprised. I declined. Sarah continued on loudly, "Alah, Sarah nak black panties macam Mommy pakai tu, please..biar nampak seksis (deformed 'sexy'). I am a big girl". At that instant, I knew that I was getting old as my 8 year old daughter now could make the connection of the colour black and sexiness". Sigh..so soon time flies...

Moral: Beware of what you wear when you are around Sarah, as she will comment.

#3 Who is younger?

My mama is a HOT MAMA. At the age of 57, her skin is still radiant, complexion is youthful and yes, she dresses up like a hip 30+ lady too. Whereas, I am the total opposite. I am bigger in size (all la..). My complexion is so-so, my eyes are always ringed with these dark circles and so on and so forth. Oh yes, I cannot fit in my mama's clothes as there are small. So one day, as I was putting on some make up, Sarah came into the room to watch, I knew she was gonna comment on something. Then she asked, "mommy, why you always make up je..". I answered, "saja nak cantik". Then she proceeded, "tapi Uci (my mama) tak payah make pun cantik". OK, I took that as a punch, steady Ida. I kept silent. Being an innocent kid, perhaps she thought that the silence meant some sort of an agreement, so she asked me another question, "mommy why Uci looks young(er) than you, you sure she (is) your mother huh?". Aduih, mulut anak daraku laser!

Moral: Yet again, beware of what you wear when Sarah is around!

#4 The Cook

My 7 year old son, Adam was totally engrossed in the computer games that he was playing. I thought he was unaware of my presence near him when suddenly he said, "mommy, Adam nak jadi cook macam dalam TV tu la, boleh pegi sana, pegi sini. Boleh masak banyak-banyak lepas tu dapat duit boleh kasi mommy". Up to this point, I dah terkedu dah. Then he said, "mommy ajar le Adam masak, Adam nak belajar masak le mommy'. Hmm..elok le, anak pompuan nak melawa je, yang lelaki nak belajar masak. Bukan salah ibu mengandung!

Moral: Bagi je moral support apa benda our kids nak buat..kita boleh tompang senang.

#5 Carik Lain

Sarah used to tell me 'go find another bapak' as this one 'dah ada banyak uban'. Little did she know, in reality it is the other way around. Anyway, is it true that the grey hair for men actually is an indication of his wisdom and maturity?

Moral: Uban boleh dye inai Indian so biaq tak nampak. Boleh ke?

#6 Multiplying Love

One day, Sarah saw hubby and I in each other's arms. We are quite demonstrative when it comes to all these lovy dovy things. So she uttered out loud, "hah, asyik peluk-peluk je ni nanti dapat baby lagi, biar banyak-banyak sampai one hundred, sapa nak jaga kakak (my maid) mau balik Sabah sudah..". We all terkejut beruk.

Moral: Be very careful with what you do when she is around. I don't know where she got her mulut laser tu...

So that's the story of my loved ones with their wits. Goodnight!

In sickness and health..

I think I know why I got sick. As I could sense that lately I have accummulated some fats all over me (hahah.. a very honest way of putting things here), I decided to pay the gym a visit last Friday (after 2 months' break), I believe I did not do the warming up long enough. Then, an instructor came by and convinced me to weigh myself. The result was not so pleasing, thus I decided to hit for the weights. After the whole ordeal of exercising, steaming (the fats away?) and taking cold shower, I could feel that something was wrong with me. My nerves felt raw, like the meat at the butcher's. Sigh..the things that I'll do to look good.

Now, the notion of looking good is very subjective. I believe it all depends on one's motivation. Why do some women take this thing seriously and some don't? Someone used to tell me that as a wife, one ought to look presentable to her husband..and to those around him. Hahahaha, surprised? The rational being, men love it when his buddies compliment on their wives. Like trophy wives, I suppose. Perhaps that explains why we see old fellas clinging to beautiful lasses.

Well, as I was lying down on the bed in the hospital, waiting for the result of my blood test, my mind drifted into an imaginary pathetic scene...

The test result proved that I have one of those dreaded diseases, thus my days are numbered. The problem is that I won't just die instantly, but I would have to go through the curse of being bed ridden. Consequently, I will change into a haggard and fussy sick lady. My life would be filled with all sorts of medication to ease the pain, not to cure it. So I guess, what's the point of shoving those dreadful things into my throat, thus due to this, I will be complaining and fussing about it.

As I have to go through such dreadful ordeal, my physique changes to the worst. My skin dries out and darkens, my eyes become dull and lifeless, my hair as brittle as the 'berus sabut' and so on and so forth...

The saddest thing will be is when I have to witness how my loved ones will have to care for me. How they have to endure such dreadful experience to nurse this terminally ill woman. I wonder how would my hubby take it? Would he still be there by my side till the end? How if he finds someone else to fill in his empty heart before I ever say goodbye forever? God knows how lonely this heart is going to be, having to wait at the door of Death.

My kids..yeah, how are they going to take it? They are too young to be motherless. What if they have a new one to take over my place, would she be as nice as Maria Von Trapp, filling in their young hearts with the sound of music? Since women are prone to imagine the worst, so I figure I have to go along with the nightmare..What if that new woman is an abusive one, the typical evil step mother? Oh no..

Suddenly I startled..my hubby was tugging at my arm. He wondered why I was crying in my sleep. I was speechless but glad it was just a dream. Gosh, it felt so real.

The blood test indicates that I am ok. The pain in my so called ovary (actually not there) was because of some sort of infection of my urinary tract because I have not been drinking enough water lately. The fever was due to the insufficient warming up at the gym..yeah, funny. Nevertheless, thank you God.

Out of curiosity, on our way home, I asked my hubby of his reaction, if the blood test brought in bad news. Thank God, he said he'll care for me till the end, as this would be his gesture to appreciate all the things I have done for the family. Then, I told him about the physical changes that I might have to go through due to the sickness. I illustrated to him how my skin will become oily and wrinkled, my boobs will sag to the floor, my hair will become dry and brittle, my lips become parched and darken and so on..

He paused for a good 2 minutes and at last replied, "I am sure you won't look as dreadful as that, you know my friends would be visiting you every now and then, so I am sure you want to look presentable to them, don't you?". I smiled at him. Yeah..trophy wife. I rest my case.

Some advice to my 22-year-old self..

Dear Friends,

I believe whatever befalls onto you today is the result of the path that you have taken in your past. I admit, sometimes we make bad decisions, but I believe we should give credits to ourselves for having the guts to actually make that decision. Yes, I have stumbbled upon so many obstacles to be who I am today. I am neither a rocket scientist nor the late Lady Di, but I believe I do have worth in this world.

Here, I am writing to myself who was just 22 years old. This was the time when I learnt about myself. It was tough being on your own..searching for an identity at the wrong places. I hope none of my kids would go through this, especially my daughters. Nevertheless, I have no regrets as my mistakes have taught me that life is beautiful.

So friends, this will be my advice to a 22 year old Ida Hariati Hashim..I am reminiscing my life during this turbulent year..

Ida, you are thinking of dumping the guy, but you are so afraid of being alone. I know you can't stay home that long as mama was always hostile towards you. Yes, you want to share your inner thoughts with her, but I know you just would not tolerate the misunderstandings that might arise. Dear, she is your mother, you are her only daughter, of course she has her worries. I know as I am a mother too.

About the new circle of friends that you have now..be careful, dear, for they are fair wheather friends. You will encounter more of this sorts of friends later in your life. So please, don't get yourself too close to these fellas.

At this point of time, you are longing to be good looking..hehhehe. Even though you do not have much to wear for your late night outings, and that you are longing to don that off shoulder black sexy dress that you saw a girl was wearing, it is not worth it. I know you want to impress others, but what is the point, you have such brilliant smile and personality so no need to expose your physique unnecessarily!

You are playing with fire now..what is the point of being on a rebound? The hell with him. If it is over, then the guy does not deserve you. I wonder what do you see in him? Is it because he is a good orator? Ida, I know you..you still stick around because you have this guilty conscience towards the other one before, right? Let it go, dear. I am sure he has forgiven you.

In few weeks' time this current one is going to leave you for another chick..but know what, you will not shed a tear..You will feel as if a big concrete has been lifted off your shoulder..Don't know why, you will cry for a different reason..perhaps you are just lonely. I know you want to be home with your mama and ayah.

Then, after the break up, some irrelevant guys will come into your life..even the one you left will come knocking on your door, but of course, being a principled person, you won't 'jilat benda yang dah ludah'. Oh yes, don't be too egoistic, you are not THAT good looking. Jangan perasan!

Don't get yourself entangled with that guy driving the yellow sports car. He leads an expensive lifestyle, yes, but don't waste your time.

People are busy talking about you right now, you wild thing! Take good care of your health. When you are in the 30's, you will feel that your lungs have weakened and so on..Oh yes, I know you just don't give a damn about what others gonna say about you, good..but sometimes, you need to listen and pay attention.

Later, Idris, your so called Cameroonian brotha will introduce you to a guy in IIUM Waqf. This is the guy, who you think is so uncool, 'skema' and 'macam baguih', thus not your taste! Now believe me or not you are going to be head over heel for him, but knowing you, you will not suggest anything to him. You consider yourself a seasoned playa in love now, so you just ignore the feelings.

Don't know why, Idris will leave you chit chatting with this guy during the first encounter. Haha, you being so observant, will see that he looks good in that white baju Melayu..ah at last a guy in baju Melayu is talking to you...Suddenly, he asks to leave, you will tail him behind, on his way to the mosque for Maghrib prayer. At this point, your heart yearns for God to send you someone..maybe like him. At that instance too, you will wonder who is the one in his heart. Lucky girl.

You will be 23 in January 11th, by this time so many things will happen..Up to this point, you are still unsure of your or his feelings..But both of you know that the chemistry is right..

Well, I should stop right here, for I know you have other things to do..Standfast to your daily solat, Ida..and you really need to quit some of your bad habits, as you might scare the guy away...He is vulnerable as he has never seen life like you have had. So be kind. Don't try to taint him, you bad girl...hahhaha..

Now is the time to go home more often, go and bake some cakes or cookies like you used too. Don't go on a shopping spree because it is not your money. I know, as now I am earning my own cash, so I can feel the pinch! All the best to you..Luv, Kada.

The Great Leap

I dragged myself to get ready to work today..I took time to decide which colour to wear today, blue or red? At 7.05am, I decided to wear my blue kebaya, at least the hue could make me feel ok..I hope.

As I was getting ready, I asked hubby of our family's financial status, whether a single income is sufficent to support the family. He mumbled his reply (maybe it was because he was feeling groggy as he didn't sleep the whole night installing the tiles for the baths). Well, I used to ask him, he said no problem.

Well, I arrived at school with my heart and soul left at home. I would rather be with my kids, guiding them to adulthood, sharing with them the lessons of life, helping them out as they stumble on their journey to maturity. I know I'll be here as their mummy for only once in my and their lifetime. Hence, I cannot afford to neglect my duty and fail.

I have seen my abilities and talents as a career woman, so I do not want to prove anything anymore. I believe I can do better as a person who has all her time to herself and her family. I do not want to be other poeple's champion but a loser to my kids and family.

Dear friends, I have made up my mind that this shall be the final year for me as a working mom. I will still proceed with my endeavour in acquiring knowledge, (will start my Masters early next year with OUM). But I will do it for the love of seeking knowledge.

My resignation letter is on the way, I am determined to put this dilemma to an end..

Something Is Growing Inside of Me...

No..not another baby, ok.

Since months ago, I have been having this throbbing feeling on the left side of my womb. I have been ignoring it as it was not that painful. But lately (since a few days ago), the pain seems to increase, I could not stand straight as I was doing my shopping today. I wish to know what the dickens it is, but I simply do not have the guts to consult a gynea.

Am I sick? Am I dying? I hope it is nothing. I might be a rather confident person but when it comes to my health, I prefer to live in denial. I do not want anyone to diagnose any of my illnesses as I do not want to be lying down on my death bed, wondering how to bid farewell to my loved ones. I still have lots of goals to be accomplished in my life. Above all, my kids are still so young, they still need me. I cannot and do not want to be sick. No way!

I had a cousin who died of ovarian cancer at the age of 27. God, I really miss her. Sometimes (lately) I dream of her. I bet she is in the Jannah now, for she lived her worldly life as a talented, genious, good-hearted and cheerful person. I miss you, Nyah Titi.

I am not able to gather my strength to consult a doctor. I do not want to know what is wrong with me. My babies still need me. But if the time has come for me to go, I'll go..but not now, please. My journey is still miles before I sleep..