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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am Not Afraid to Cry

Sob..sob..I was moved to tears when reciting my do'a this evening. It has been such a long time since the last time I gave myself a good cry. Honestly speaking, the last time I did was on that fateful night when Allah decided to teach me a good lesson. He has taught me how I ought to learn to be faithful and thankful to the one who has sacrificed his past, future and present for me.
I was just being selfish, did not know what I was looking for. I kept telling others to let go of the past, but in reality I was the one who was holding on to it. This has its repercussions, of which bitterness I am learning to swallow. It ended rather abruptly, but I am facing it like any other woman should do..cry, when there is a need to.

My absence from this little space I proudly call 'my scented blog' (hahaha) is, I hope I will be forgiven, intentional. I have been abstaining myself from scribbling down my thoughts for I fear that words would fail to describe the contents of my heart. I have been away from my fellow bloggers, yes, I truly miss all of you, please do not chuck me out from your hearts.

As to why the waterworks today?

I was just very happy. I am blessed. I did not know how to respond to such warmness I felt within me, so I cried. I could not contain my emotions so it just overflowed. I was alone in the surau (prayer room) for the Zohor prayers right after lunch today, I just felt that God has given me so much even though I have not been greateful for His generosity. So I cried.

I know I should have shared this with you earlier, but dear friends, I have found myself a new job, or rather, I must confess, it found me. It happened so quickly that even till now I have to pinch myself just to make sure that I am not dreaming. I must thank a friend who has given me the chance to explore this field. It has been more than a month already and I believe I am learning fast, hence loving the job.

If you are wondering what I am up to now. I am a copywriter. Surpringly, I write copies for English and Malay. So you can imagine the magnitude of the task I am shouldering. Indeed, the deadlines are pressing, but I am coping well. Yes, I have to work extra hours, but so far so good. Hubby has been very supportive even though there were times when he grumbled, but of course I have to play my cards right. I still cook for the family for I know hubby loathes eating out.

Whenever I am home late and start apologizing, he would ask me if I was happy with what I am doing now. Of course I would say 'yes', and he would smile.

That is why I am blessed.

At the same time today, just before prayers, I thought of my parents. I am very happy for them for they are performing their Hajj this year. Alhamdulillah, mama and ayah are lucky for they managed to get clearance for the trip effortlessly. I envy them actually, as I too, am longing to prostrate before the Ka'abah. God willing, I will perform my Umrah soon.

At work, I am surrounded by talented people who have no fear in using the nastiest terms to describe their emotions, but I know they mean no harm. They are just trying to be emotionally fit to survive. I am a cry baby, but I am learning too, luckily so far none of them have heard me cursing anything that walks the earth. I prefer to do my left and right cursing within me, but would be happily doing my boo hooing on your shoulders. Why? I do not know.

When the feeling is simply undescribable, I would just cry.