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Monday, January 4, 2010

How now brown cow?

Here comes the most confused woman in blosphere!

Yes, I have been away for a long long time. I would love to blame time for being too short, inadequate to
cater to my very busy lifestyle. I am tempted to find a scapegoat to put the blame on for making my days shorter. No, I do not wish for more arms to juggle my duties, but I wish I could have something to help me to compartmentalise my muddled mind, something effective that works like simple colourful dividers for an ABA ring file.

Here comes January again. Here comes the self inflicted dilemma again. Exactly last year today, I've experienced this "Mummy Wanna Stay at Home and Be with the Family" kinda sickness. Don't know if I ever should call it a sickness.

So Ida, what are you up to now? Work.

You love it? Yes.

Why do you love it? Am in no mood to elaborate, just the tone in my affirmative answer should explain my feeling.

You want to keep it? Well, it is January. You know what kind of a confused state of mind I am in now.

How does Suzalie coping with this? Entah. I know he is not enjoying the ride.

What about the kids? They want me home. But if am home for too long, I'll become more difficult to deal with, but when I am working, I become too hooked on it. So how now brown cow?

I have new opportunities smiling at me, but I ain't looking at them yet. YET. Where got time, ma. The same excuse.

Just now someone suggested that I should lose 10 pounds. 10 pounds? I know I should lose 15! Hell, I am not doing yoga or pilates or bell dancing anymore. Why? No time.

But love what I am doing now. Wish I could find a simple way to do it effectively, without slaughtering my precious time with the family. What is it that I want to achieve in life? I know I can go miles and miles and miles and not look back. But am I doing the right thing? It is worth the sacrifice?

I want to build a legacy, carve my name on the stone of high achievers, but it is a bit too late for me now? Shouldn't I be concentrating on building my kids' future, to have a hands on experience experimenting on what is right for them?

I ain't using the kids to shield my inability to cope with life, but I do not want to lose something precious to me. I need help to find my way through. I want to know if it is the right thing to do. How do you know it is the right thing to do? How can you tell you are doing it right?

Today, someone told me that I should cease to be a thinker. He said I should just F it. F it and move on. I wish it could be that easy.

When exactly a year ago I have made a decision in favour of my loved ones, now it has come to the point where I have to make that decision again. The difference is that the one I had then was turning sour, but the one in the present is so sweet to abandon. I would love to stay on, but frankly I hate to neglect the kids and my man. And yes, the money I am making, alhamdulillah, is good. That is the problem when you are spoilt by choices to make. Sigh...

I am still at work, it is already late. It breaks my heart to visualise the family having dinner without me. I hope they do not miss me even though I miss them really badly. Am I doing the right thing? Can someone please tell me...