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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So What if I'm Stupid?

"As soon as you concern yourself with the 'good' and 'bad' of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you."
Moriteru Ueshiba, founder of Aikido

Yesterday Sarah greeted me with tears in her eyes. In the car, she showed me a piece of paper, crumpled by the clutch of her dainty hand. There were scribbles of names on it, those were familiar names to me as so many times has she shared with me the daily happenings in school. Then, something caught my attention. At the bottom of the list, there was Pn. M's name, I knew Pn. M is one of Sarah's teachers.

"Mummy, these are the bad people in my class", Sarah said in between sobs.

"What's wrong, sayang?"

"A boy found a book under a classmate's desk. That was the book reported missing from the class' Library Box, then everybody started accusing me for taking the book", she said.

I was puzzled with her story, perhaps she was so consumed with anger and frustration that she too, was fuzzy with what actually happened.

Nevertheless, she proceeded. "Then when the teacher saw the book, she too started to call me a thief, she said I am 'panjang tangan'. Mummy, I did read the book but I did not take it. I returned it under the desk where I took it from. Now they accused me of being a thief. I am not a thief, mummy". Her sobs intensified.

Sarah is having her mid-term examination now. One of the reasons for my resignation from my job was actually to spend more time with her and Adam. You see, both of them are not in the best classes in school. In fact, both are in the last ones. At primary 2, Adam is still struggling to read and do Maths. Sarah is improving gradually. Slowly but surely, I hope.

They simply hate school. There are always unpleasant stories to tell about school, how one classmate simply broke Adam's newly bought coloured pencils into half, how some girls called Sarah 'amoi' or some other nasty names and also how a teacher pinched Sarah on the tummy for being mischievous.

I would listen to their stories in anticipation, I hope none of it would shatter the self-esteem already wobbly in them.

In spite of this, I could still tolerate all this mumbo jumbos as I believe these are parts and parcel of growing up. But, to have a teacher unceremoniously calling my child a thief in the presence of her peers was totally uncalled for. Thus, I decided to confront the Senior Assistants of the school. I demanded for an explanation from the school why such things must occur in a so-called good school. I wanted to know why must a young child endure such accusation from a teacher who spends more time with her while in school.

I know Sarah is one of the so many students the teacher has, and that my girl is probably one of those who do not preform well academically. Still, being a teacher, a rational and wise one, she should have never resorted to name calling like this.

The Senior Assistant for Students' Affairs was briefed of the whole affair by the teacher via phone. It seemed that the actual culprit had already been identified. Sarah was not guilty. So, I should be heading home happy now.

But that was not the case.

Firmly, I told the Madam that I was not trying to clear my daughter's name. If she was found guilty, then punish her accordingly. But what really upset me was when nasty names were thrown to my girl BEFORE she was even proven guilty. I understand how stressful it is being in this noble but strenuous profession, still a teacher must remain cool but wise when dealing with the students. I do not mind if a teacher scolds any of my kids, but please, never degreade their self-esteem and dignity especially before their peers. What is a person without his self-esteem? I believe I have to start building my kids' characters now, I am trying my best, so it is not fair for someone to just destroy it.

I believe I have made my point clear, for the Senior Assistant apologized on behalf of the teacher. I hope she would mention this during the monthly teachers' meeting. This is because I have observed that there are a number of teachers in the school who resort to name calling like this.

This is a total disgrace to the teaching profession. Why can't they be polite? Where are the good values that they have inculcated in the children? Didn't the teachers know when the kids come home, they would dramatize all the nasty things took place in school?

I am no traitor to this profession. I am just a disappointed parent who is very concern of my kids' wellbeing. I also hope no child in this world would have to endure such mental torture from adults who have been entrusted to nurture them, that includes parents and other family members too.

From my observation, our 'sopan santun' society is on the reverse mode as far as good values are concern. I am no Angel, but I will try my best not to hurt those around me, even though they are strangers. I am frustrated when one turns to nasty name calling during heated arguments. Why must we attack the personality of our adversary when the cause of the crisis is on some other issues? I wonder what sort of satisfaction one obtains from calling others bad names. So what if your opponent is stupid or selfish or insensitive, are you any better? If you are so perfect, then why could not you try to understand that God has created mankind with differences so that we would try to get to know and understand each other better (a point taken from the Holy Qur'an).

Just last night, in the heat of a 'debate' with my significant other, he exclaimed, "it is difficult to talk to someone who is stupid in budo (the Japanese Samurai code of conduct)", well I was not sure if he refered that to me alone as at that time we were also discussing on a group of our mutual friends too. Apparently he was unhappy about something but lacked the guts to voice them out to others, so I had to become his so-called 'punching bag'. Figuratively speaking.

Indeed, I am no expert in budo and I do not feel like an ass for not being interested in knowing about it too. I do not need a set of foreign rules to govern my life anyway. I could have opted to explode in anger due to his words, I could have resorted to personal attacks too. But he is NOT my teacher. If the guy has limitations in containing his anger or whatever evil feelings he has within, I do not want to give 'it' back to him. What is the point in succumbing yourself to a 'deformity' such as this? Technically speaking.

I trust in a fit of anger or frustration, one would turn to be animalistic. I, as the 'victim' of such impertinence must remain composed, for that will actually win over the whole arguement. I am not a submissive person. I am just not bothered by others' lack of good manners. People with different view and opinions about life react differently to things around them. One can be a motivational speaker, a diplomat, a teacher or a homemaker- all have a unique way of reacting to the events in their life.

I believe all the world's conflicts and crisis (especially in the marriage institution) could be solved if at least one party plays the sage when a conflict arises. It is good to just look at things in a different perspective before you respond to personality attacks like this. I understand it feels great to throw back those nasty words to your opponent and perhaps one feels superior too for calling others with nasty names. Malays would put this as "puas hati, I dah bantai dia balik". But then, is that what we are seeking for in this life, that is to satisfy our egoistic urge at the expense of others' grievances?

How lonely this heart will be if it is filled with the negativity of others. How are we going to embark on our journey to self-discovery if we ourselves are unable to contain the devilish side of us?

Good character building starts young. My kids might not be the most intelligent ones in school, but I trust they are worthy. I want them to be humans with that small portion of divinity that God has confered upon us. I want them to be kind to others not only by giving alms in material wealth, but in words and actions too. I want them to do me proud by upholding the good values, be it in public or in their private lives, no double standards. My children's conduct reflects my character. So, I have to start now, for my days are numbered.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Plight of a Soon to be Desperate Housewife

Such a dramatic weekend it had been. I succumbed myself to virtual chatting, shopped for more books (bought 5 classics), felt desperately in need to go somewhere where the Sun don't shine, went groccery shopping but forgot to buy rice and eggs, duh! so we had to spend the rest of the Sunday practically 'riceless' and of course, again, I gave myself in for another long hours of online chatting. Yeah, you can say that last weekend, basically I did nothing productive.

Hey wait, I believe I have produced a new set of dark rings under my eyes. So much for staying up till late!

So, last night I decided to retire to bed earlier than usual, I think it was about at 12.03am.

But then later, a strange scent robbed me of my peaceful slumber. I startled and saw hubby was standing at the foot of the bed. The fragrance of other woman was clinging on him.

"Oh hi, you are back. What's with this smell?", said I drowsingly. I knew that was not a proper way to welcome your significant other, especially after a few days of being abroad. Well, could not help it, I was just curious.

"Oh..I was testing on some perfumes at the airport. I bought one for you."

Instantly, I gauged the period of the journey, the distance and all other possibilities. Hmm..Brunei is less than five hours' journey, so there was a possibilty that the frangrance could still linger around him, anyway, I saw the strips of testers in his passport on the dresser.


"OK, thanks, dear", then I went back to sleep. A woman could be half asleep, but when this kind of doubt pops up, she needs to be swift in looking for the bits to complete the puzzle.

I woke up feeling refreshed, ahh.. at last I had him in my arms, all to myself, the kids were sleeping in their rooms, or else they will be sharing the bed with us.

I remembered the new perfume he bought for me, hmm..not the one I requested, though, still I am thankful. Tested it on my wrist, I wondered why I could spray it on me effortlessly, I mean one needs to press on the nozzle of a brand new bottle of perfume a few times before the frangrance is sprayed on you. That has been scientifically studied, it is not an old housewives' tale. Well, saw the plastic wrapper has been tampered on. As if he could read my mind, willingly he explained that he had it checked before purchasing. Alright, quality control cleared.

Due to my decision to surrender to non-productivity over the weekends, I had to iron his shirt this morning. I knew he did not appreciate this, for he was in a hurry to leave for work. Realising it was my fault, I tried to cover up by declaring, "Sayang, I was not sure of the colour you are going to wear for today, please pick your choice, I will have it ready in a jiffy", I punctuated it with the loveliest fresh-from-the-slumber smile that any woman could give.

At that instant actually, I was holding his white easy-to-iron shirt in my hand. He saw the cue, so he replied, "White". Obviously he would choose that, he wears white every Monday anyway. I was just playing dump as I was feeling guilty for my laziness during the weekends.

I had a medium sized bar of dark chocolate for breakfast just now. Well, that was the desert, I stuffed myself with two bowls of fried vermicelli before that. It was yesterday's dinner actually, I had it reheated. Perhaps the only healthy thing I consumed this morning was a big mug of warm weak Japanese tea. I love tea. I will start a collection of various types of tea leaves one day in near future. KIV.

Well, here I am typing this story of me being a bum. Sorry, I took away your precious time reading this. Perhaps it is one of them days when I simply prefer to do nothing at all. Just chilling at home. Pondering. Contemplating. (Yawn..)

Guess, I better take a break from the virtual world for some time. I haven't a clue anything good to write on. I do not want to bore you with the same old story about my unresolved quarter life crises. Dah tak de modal dah ni.

Folks, I am taking a break. I need to do a lot of readings. The newly bought books are waiting for me to do justice to them. I will try to abstain myself from the Net for some period of time, see how it goes, hopefully I would be able to do some soul searching without the influence of the 'virtual happiness'.

This is the plight of a soon to be desperate housewife. Just need to find myself before it is too late. I will come back to blogsphere when I have better things to share with the rest of you..:)

So God bless everybody, take care..I'm out.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

True Love

Dear Friends,

I have been rereading "Chicken Soup for the Soul", thought I should share this story with you. This is a heart warming story written by Barry and Joyce Vissell.

Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of a well-known German composer, was far from being handsome. Along with a rather short stature, he had a grotesque hunchback.

One day he visited a merchant in Hamburg who had a lovely daughter named Frumtje. Moses fell hopelessly in love with her. But Frumtje was repulsed by his misshapen appearance.

The picture above: Felix Mendelssohn

When it came the time for him to leave, Moses gathered his courage and climbed the stairs to her room to take one last opportunity to speak with her. She was a vision of heavenly beauty, but caused him deep sadness by her refusal to look at him. After several attempts at conversation, Moses shyly asked, "Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?"

"Yes," she answered, still looking at the floor. "And do you?"

"Yes I do," he replied. "You see, in heaven at birth of each boy, the Lord announces which girl he will marry. When I was born, my future bride was pointed out to me. Then the Lord added, "But your wife will be humpbacked."

"Right then and there I called out, 'Oh Lord, a humpbacked woman would be a tragedy. Please, Lord, give me the hump and let her be beautiful.'"

Then Frumtje looked up into his eyes and was stirred by some deep memory. She reached out and gave Mendelssohn her hand and later became his devoted wife.


There is that one moment in our life time that stirs our hearts to open up and embrace love. Some search high and low for true love, but there are also those who just wait for it to greet them. How do we tell if a love is true. Must one endure pain and sorrow to taste the sweetness of love?

For those who have found your match, can you still sense the magic when your beloved professed his/ her feelings? Could you still feel the chills running down your spine? How did you know that he/ she is the one?

I know mine. I could still feel the magic sometimes, especially during lonely nights like this. Will the magic ever fade with the passing of time?

I haven't a clue, for I am a woman who is forgetful at times. So, please come home love.


Tomorrow will be a new day.

Tomorrow, will this virtual happiness draw its curtains. I ought to end this. This suffocation must be put to a halt.

It is a plague to my sanity. It intoxicates my reasons and logic. Hence, a fool I have become.

Dear heart, I beg of you, please be still. Have patience, for you are loved. Why must venture into troubled waters? Heart, learn your lessons well. What are thee seeking for? Enough.

Dear reasons, you must take charge. Never let yourself stray away from sanity. Do not let this to hallucinate you. You must be strong.

Tomorrow will be a new day. It cannot stay for the heart and reasons have taken a sacred vow to commit. So adhere to it. Take pride in it. Then, I am at ease.

Sleep tight, love. Tomorrow promises a new horizon. The virtual rendezvous will have no show, just an empty stage. I am leaving, I must not look back. I must be strong.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Love Letter

I believe I am experiencing some sort of life crisis..I don't know. I am not sure if everyone goes through with this kind of stage in life, but I think I am badly hit by it. I have read an article on this that states, "a major life reevaluation takes place in a person's late twenties or early thirties. At this time he or she asks, "Am I on course? Am I going to be able to fulfill the dreams and visions for my life that God helped me form in my late teens and early twenties?" This life reassessment considers personal development, marriage, family, and career. A strong urge is now present to correct anything that doesn't seem to be in line with the overall life direction.During most of the twenties a person goes about life responsibilities and relationships using the dreams that were formed in the late teens and early twenties as guideposts. The goals might have been to get stabilized in a job, get married, launch a family, and get integrated into the church and the community. Goals that aren't materializing by the late twenties can create a crisis." (John Conway, PhD).

Yes, I have a number of goals that are yet to be materialized. I have dreamed wonderful things for my future since I was in my early teens. I have had ample time and opportunity to read and ponder on the path I should take in my life. Unfortunately, when I was in the twenties, I practically wrecked some parts of my life. At that time, I was reckless with my life. As the consequences, now I have to face the music.

I don't usually have regrets in my life as I consider its ups and downs as precious lessons for me. But I know I am saying that to forgive all the foolish things I have committed. They say that I should leave the past behind, but that is so hard to do as now I believe, I am facing the outcome of my past. Some are just too painful to swallow.

Just yesterday, I found some of my love letters hidden somewhere in a box. When I read the contents of the letter, it became clear to me how I was such a difficult person to handle. So problematic.

There was a point when my sweetheart and I broke up. The letter, dated 12 ___ 2000, reads that I was on the verge of getting a dismissal from the University due to my continual absence to my classes. My grades were going down the drain. I was thinking of leaving school and pursuing a new life. What kind of life, I was not sure. But I knew I had to go.

My boyfriend was devastated with this rash decision that I was about to take. I even told him that there would be no future to our relationship as I did not want to be the one to hinder his pursuit in fulfilling his ambitions. I was willing to let go of us. I was DEAD serious.

Then came the reply letter from him. It was too natural that he would plead me to stay. But he did not. He elaborated on how I should not abandon my future just like that. He reminded me how I was a lucky girl to be given the opportunity to pursue my studies. Even though I was not on a scholarship, I still owe my life to my parents. He continued on writing about how he could help me to get out of trouble (yes, he did).

Then, only in the final part of the letter, he wrote this:

"Tuhanku, seandainya telah Engkau catatkan dia milikku, tercipta buatku, dekatkan hatinya dengan hatiku.

Titipkanlah kemesraan antara kami agar kebahagiaan antara kami kekal abadi. Dan Tuhanku, seiringkanlah kami mengharungi hidup luas ini ke tepian sejahtera.

Tetapi Tuhanku Yang Maha Pengasih, seandainya telah kau takdirkan dia bukan milikku, bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku, luput dari ingatanku dan peliharalah ku dari kekecewaan.

Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengerti, berikan aku kekuatan melontar bayangannya ke dada langit. Hilang bersama senja merah dan pekat malam agar aku bisa bahagia walaupun tanpa dirinya.

Dan Tuhanku Yang Tercinta, gantikanlah yang telah hilang, tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah, meskipun tiada yang sama dengan dirinya..Amin"

I never liked typical Malay Drama Kings, and the guy who wrote these words was definitely one! I could have crumpled the letter for my ego was at its peak at that time.

But I did not. I decided to marry him few months later.

As we, in each other's arms, reread the letter yesterday, I could not but to shed tears in gratitude for I believe I have been given another chance by someone who came into my life, so unplanned, so sudden.

I hope he would still be there for me now, in my quest to know who am I. Please help me, sayang.


It is one of them days when I am feeling blue. No words can describe how I feel. Gosh..I need a hug!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What I want in A Man

What does a woman want in a man? A dear friend of mine has urged me to write on this. Initially, I hesitated as now, I believe I am seing life at a different perspective. If I was asked to elaborate on that matter 10 years ago, when I was still soooo single and available, I would have given a list of the criteria of a perfect man from the point of view of a young, warm blooded lass. But then, now at the age of 33, with 4 kids and a hubby in tow, I know I would come up with a different set of list. So which one do you want, mate?

What am talking about here? A wishlist of what a man should have to be the right one for me? Now? I think it is a bit too late. I HAVE to make do with what I have now. It would not be right for me to outline the criteria of a man as I already have someone. Thus, to proceed with this would result to something fictitious. I do not want to have an imaginary male 'friend' in my bed!

But hey, dear mate, I would still try to come out with this list. I am not sure about other sistas in da hood, but mine can be simplified as listed below:

A. What I Want in a Man ( when I was a 24 - single and available)

1. Intelligent (but not a rocket scientist)
2. Must have goatie (like Mukhriz Mahathir ..aouw!)
3. Speaks good English
4. Skillful in something (e.g debates, sports, music- guitar)
5. Good sense of humour
6. Economically sound (knows how to spend money, especially on me)
7. Tight bums
8. Honest
9. Brilliant smile
10. Patient (especially in dealing with my attitude problem)
11. Practises good table manners
12. Good listener
13. Good posture
14. Good style of walking ( there is something in a guy's way of walking that somehow gives me a clue about something vital..*wink )
15. Romantic (but not a hopeless romantic one!)


B. What I Want in A Man : Revised List ( now 33 - married....)

1. Honest (tell me why you think that girl is better looking then I am..tell me..tell me..)
2. Patient (especially when playing Scrabble and Monopoly..so what if I am deceitful, I just have to win!)
3. Upholds to the Solat
4. Economically very very sound (not to spoil me with unnecessary things, but be a good manager of his money)
5. Understands that a woman needs some space too (that includes emotional, sexual aspects..everything. Even though married, she still has a life as an individual - thank God I am enjoying this, but I know of some friends out there who are struggling to have some "ME" time to themselves - guys give your women a break la..)
6. Respect ( the elders, me, the kids, himself..)
7. Accepts the fact that I am not perfect
8. Thinks I am still a HOTTY despite the crows feet under my eyes, and the flabby arms similar to the wings of a turkey
9. Good listener - just listen, don't be judgmental
10. Skillful in something (excluding golf and video game)
11. Good command of English
12. Enjoys the food I cook for him (even though some might taste funny!)
13. Excellent father to my kids (and willing to add some more to the brood...hahaha)
14. A fighter
15. Himself

I have no complains as I am blessed. Honestly, what really matters most is having a man with whom I will spend the rest of life. I need a man who accepts the fact that this wife of his would one day be grey and old. I need a man who would proudly call me his one and only woman when I am all wrinkled up and as barren as the Sahara. That is the man for me.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Something Steamy

Sweat is dripping from every curve of my body. My heart is pulsating with exhilaration. I can feel the warmness in my core. This is almost heaven.

I am quivering as I traverse the mysterious path to Nirvana. So, this is the ultimate joy of life. We will become one. Just wait for me there, dear. I will serve you with every bit of sweetness within me.

I am being swayed by the sound of the murmuring heat. It works wonders on me. The vapour caresses my whole, the beads of sweat tickle me as they glide over my skin . The heat intoxicates me. This is when reason and logic become alien to me. My being is beyond my control.

I will not shy away from the prying eyes around me. Come and see how I will reach to the peak. Please bare witness as I discover the purpose of my existance. Never have I imagined to be honoured with such admiration. I am giving you my all, dear.

Yes, I am ready now. Take me there. My destiny is just a breath away. I am pleading you to come and get me, please for I cannot hold back any longer...


"La, Dot..kenapa kau tak angkat kuih pau ni, naik kembang dalam pengukus ni.."

Note: Perhaps that was how the red beans dumplings must have felt while in the steamer just now. Bon appetite!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Shattered Dreams

With much regret, I have to forget about my Latino Jam class. My heart is broken, I cannot deny it as it has been my dream to formally explore the dance techniques. The much awaited opportunity has greeted me, but I could not seize it. I was not allowed to.

My hubby has vetoed my intention to pursue this dream. He made the decision at the very last minute, when the class was about to begin just few hours ahead. The arrangement that I have made went tumbling down. I have made a promise to a friend, but due to the sudden change of 'mood', I had to put on that 'thick face' of mine and cancelled the arrangement. I hate this.

I never usually accept a "No" for an answer from anyone. I need to know why. I took the risk of asking him to explain his rash decision. He replied with views that my ego just could not digest. I had to bite my tongue really hard for I did not want to give him any of my 'third speaker rebuttals'. It would be uncalled for. "What is the point", I kept telling myself. This is the man whom I am going to serve. He eats the food I prepare for him, he puts on the shirts I iron for him and not forgeting, I am the mistress of his nights!

I could have started a fight. I could have put on that 'Drama Queen' title awarded by some friends to the test. I could have been emotional and cried like a pathetic woman before him! But what is the point, I knew he would not change his mind at that instance. Why would he anyway, when he is the Man of the Family. Let him toy around with the title, I will scheme for the next move.

I know hubby has no serious objections against me pursuing my dancing lesson. He used to say if it is an all girls' class, then it is fine. I kept silence for I was trying my best to recall seeing any all girls' tango duet..hmmm.

I told hubby I wanted to explore new possibillities, well, he said I should leave the exploring to those who are 20 years old. He reminded me that I am about 40 now (hello, nasib baik dia ni my hubby, if not mesti dah kena bantai left and right!), thus, not much time left to gamble with new stuff. Then he asked of my goal in learning Latin dance, he wondered if I was planning on being dancer. In the heat of the moment, I said "Yes". Hence, the more reason for his refusal to sanction my attendance to the class.

My hubby has never failed to support me in my endeavours. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I understand it is very tough for him to have a woman with heavy loads of personal baggage and trash as a wife. I have met a number of suitors (DUH!), but I believe none could tolerate my antics and my colourful past.

If this event today occured during the first few years of our marriage, perhaps my reaction would be different. I believe I would make a big fuss out of this, I would start calling him a dictator or anything similar to that. Then after that I would start preaching him about my rights as an individual. Then I will proceed on rubbing salt in the wound by attacking his personality, I will start criticizing his character. Then, I know the relationship would be so tense that it would break at any moment. Yes, I know I would resort to those desperate measures of an infamous Drama Queen if I was in my initial stage of marriage.

By resorting to this, it will definitely not be the way to a man's heart. How did I know? Well, he said so, on one fine day, during a blazing row over something trivial, about 8 years ago. Hubby said, "Ida, for once, please, I know you are an intelligent woman with your own worldview and all, but please for the sake of our marriage, try to stop 'menjawab'. Just listen. I am a man, I need a woman who could take heed to what I am trying to say". I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel. From that day on, I tried not to talk back at him, I kept on saying to myself, a woman's virtue is in her patience when dealing with her hubby.

Then I started to read some literature on Japanese women, how their submissiveness to their men actually become a powerful tool to control these groin driven creatures.

Gosh, it is very late now. Hubby is already asleep. He knows I have been having difficulty to sleep, especially when there lots of things on my mind. I have patches of ideas that are yet to be strung together with meaningful words. I am glad he gives me this space.

I will have to forget about attending the Latino Jam class for now, but I will never stop learning the techniques through youtube. This is not the end. When all of the lucky stars are properly aligned, when the timing is right, I believe he would reconsider. I know from this day onwards, I have to cook, iron and do things better to win my case. Touche!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What is On My Mind?

Dear Hubby,

Thank you for spending some of your precious time with me. You know, for the past few months, I have been troubled with doubtful thoughts of us. I thought we have lost the magic we used to share almost a decade ago.

My mind is never tardy searching for an answer to the lacklustre performance in our nuptial bliss. You know, familiarity could diminish the magic between couples in love. Are we still in love, anyway? :)

Dear Hubby,

Sometimes the Devil gets the better of me. He whispered to me words that caused me to be doubtful of us. When things turn sour between us, sometimes, I will cry the tears of a defeated soul. Yes, I have never told you this before, for I have now, acquired the skills of a successfully married woman, that is to endure the pain resulted from her other half's insensitivity. Now, I am not going to explain THAT to you, for you would not understand something which you were not born with.. :)

Dear Hubby,

You are what the sisterhood call as 'a bit rough around the edges', not the kind of man I was looking for. You never promised me a fairytale-like life, a happy forever and ever kind of life together. You used to try to explain to me your 'kampung' childhood, a kind of life that I am not familiar with. Hey, when you started to talk about your cattle back home and the rolling hills of Sandakan, I never imagined myself being that woman who would wave lovingly at you as you leave our picket fenced home. No, I will not milk any of the cows for you!

Dear Hubby,

I think I know why I was attracted to you. It was that old worn out belt that you used to wear, Yeah, the one which was given by your late uncle almost 20 years ago. I always thought I would be attracted to gentlemen in suits with shiny pair of shoes on, but hell no..unconsciously I was more driven to you. And that not so expensive cologne you used to splash on you, it did give me nice dreams!

Dear Hubby,

I have always wanted a man who could sing like Anuar Zain (Note to dear readers: he is featured here singing the first two songs). I was looking for a man who could sing to me while on bended knees, you know how I tend to 'merajuk' rather often. But dear hubby, you cannot seem to croon an agreeable tune. But thank God you can play the guitar. That has been one of the upmost requirement for a guy to be with me. This is because I love singing.

Talking about the guitar and singing, I can say tonight had been a meaningful experience for me. I am glad that I made the effort to retrieve your BIG GREEN BOOK of guitar cords from the darkness of our closet. I understand that you have compiled the guitar tabs of your favourite songs in this book. You have had it since you were in your first year in the University, hmm..wonder what was I up to at that time?
I cannot say that your choice of love songs fit my taste. Oh yes, perhaps I should tell you now, that I never liked the song you dedicated to me about 9 years ago. No, darling, even though I cried when watching The Titanic, I never liked "My Life Will Go On" to be our lurvy-durvy theme song. I was hoping you would sing to me Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" or After 7's "Ready or Not", well I know, those songs are just not you. Yeah, I know you are not happy with the lyrics.

Oh yes, about tonight, hey thanks a million, honey. I really enjoyed it. I could still recall, years ago, we used to sing to your selection of corny love tunes till we were so intoxicated with passion, hence, the four kids..:)

Dear Hubby,
As I am writing this, you are already asleep with the guitar in your arms. Yes, I do find a man who strums on his guitar while lying down is sexy, perhaps it is a come on sign from you, but why did you have to go to sleep so soon?

Benjamin sleeping under his bapak's arm

Now, I have to find a space to squeeze in on the bed for the boys are all over you already. Ben has occupied my favourite spot, that is sleeping on your right arm, while Adam is at your left foot. Luckily Sarah has gone to sleep else where while playing with her make believe hospital bed.

Adam sleeping at his bapak's foot

Dear Hubby,

I used to have doubts as I thought we have lost the spark between us. I should not expect too much from you, as you have never promised me the world before this. A simple and happy life is what I am looking for (plus the monthly stay at home allowance you pledge to give me).

Sleep tight, darling!
Yours Truly,