The Love Letter

I believe I am experiencing some sort of life crisis..I don't know. I am not sure if everyone goes through with this kind of stage in life, but I think I am badly hit by it. I have read an article on this that states, "a major life reevaluation takes place in a person's late twenties or early thirties. At this time he or she asks, "Am I on course? Am I going to be able to fulfill the dreams and visions for my life that God helped me form in my late teens and early twenties?" This life reassessment considers personal development, marriage, family, and career. A strong urge is now present to correct anything that doesn't seem to be in line with the overall life direction.During most of the twenties a person goes about life responsibilities and relationships using the dreams that were formed in the late teens and early twenties as guideposts. The goals might have been to get stabilized in a job, get married, launch a family, and get integrated into the church and the community. Goals that aren't materializing by the late twenties can create a crisis." (John Conway, PhD).

Yes, I have a number of goals that are yet to be materialized. I have dreamed wonderful things for my future since I was in my early teens. I have had ample time and opportunity to read and ponder on the path I should take in my life. Unfortunately, when I was in the twenties, I practically wrecked some parts of my life. At that time, I was reckless with my life. As the consequences, now I have to face the music.

I don't usually have regrets in my life as I consider its ups and downs as precious lessons for me. But I know I am saying that to forgive all the foolish things I have committed. They say that I should leave the past behind, but that is so hard to do as now I believe, I am facing the outcome of my past. Some are just too painful to swallow.

Just yesterday, I found some of my love letters hidden somewhere in a box. When I read the contents of the letter, it became clear to me how I was such a difficult person to handle. So problematic.

There was a point when my sweetheart and I broke up. The letter, dated 12 ___ 2000, reads that I was on the verge of getting a dismissal from the University due to my continual absence to my classes. My grades were going down the drain. I was thinking of leaving school and pursuing a new life. What kind of life, I was not sure. But I knew I had to go.

My boyfriend was devastated with this rash decision that I was about to take. I even told him that there would be no future to our relationship as I did not want to be the one to hinder his pursuit in fulfilling his ambitions. I was willing to let go of us. I was DEAD serious.

Then came the reply letter from him. It was too natural that he would plead me to stay. But he did not. He elaborated on how I should not abandon my future just like that. He reminded me how I was a lucky girl to be given the opportunity to pursue my studies. Even though I was not on a scholarship, I still owe my life to my parents. He continued on writing about how he could help me to get out of trouble (yes, he did).

Then, only in the final part of the letter, he wrote this:

"Tuhanku, seandainya telah Engkau catatkan dia milikku, tercipta buatku, dekatkan hatinya dengan hatiku.

Titipkanlah kemesraan antara kami agar kebahagiaan antara kami kekal abadi. Dan Tuhanku, seiringkanlah kami mengharungi hidup luas ini ke tepian sejahtera.

Tetapi Tuhanku Yang Maha Pengasih, seandainya telah kau takdirkan dia bukan milikku, bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku, luput dari ingatanku dan peliharalah ku dari kekecewaan.

Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengerti, berikan aku kekuatan melontar bayangannya ke dada langit. Hilang bersama senja merah dan pekat malam agar aku bisa bahagia walaupun tanpa dirinya.

Dan Tuhanku Yang Tercinta, gantikanlah yang telah hilang, tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah, meskipun tiada yang sama dengan dirinya..Amin"

I never liked typical Malay Drama Kings, and the guy who wrote these words was definitely one! I could have crumpled the letter for my ego was at its peak at that time.

But I did not. I decided to marry him few months later.

As we, in each other's arms, reread the letter yesterday, I could not but to shed tears in gratitude for I believe I have been given another chance by someone who came into my life, so unplanned, so sudden.

I hope he would still be there for me now, in my quest to know who am I. Please help me, sayang.