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Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Love Letter

I believe I am experiencing some sort of life crisis..I don't know. I am not sure if everyone goes through with this kind of stage in life, but I think I am badly hit by it. I have read an article on this that states, "a major life reevaluation takes place in a person's late twenties or early thirties. At this time he or she asks, "Am I on course? Am I going to be able to fulfill the dreams and visions for my life that God helped me form in my late teens and early twenties?" This life reassessment considers personal development, marriage, family, and career. A strong urge is now present to correct anything that doesn't seem to be in line with the overall life direction.During most of the twenties a person goes about life responsibilities and relationships using the dreams that were formed in the late teens and early twenties as guideposts. The goals might have been to get stabilized in a job, get married, launch a family, and get integrated into the church and the community. Goals that aren't materializing by the late twenties can create a crisis." (John Conway, PhD).

Yes, I have a number of goals that are yet to be materialized. I have dreamed wonderful things for my future since I was in my early teens. I have had ample time and opportunity to read and ponder on the path I should take in my life. Unfortunately, when I was in the twenties, I practically wrecked some parts of my life. At that time, I was reckless with my life. As the consequences, now I have to face the music.

I don't usually have regrets in my life as I consider its ups and downs as precious lessons for me. But I know I am saying that to forgive all the foolish things I have committed. They say that I should leave the past behind, but that is so hard to do as now I believe, I am facing the outcome of my past. Some are just too painful to swallow.

Just yesterday, I found some of my love letters hidden somewhere in a box. When I read the contents of the letter, it became clear to me how I was such a difficult person to handle. So problematic.

There was a point when my sweetheart and I broke up. The letter, dated 12 ___ 2000, reads that I was on the verge of getting a dismissal from the University due to my continual absence to my classes. My grades were going down the drain. I was thinking of leaving school and pursuing a new life. What kind of life, I was not sure. But I knew I had to go.

My boyfriend was devastated with this rash decision that I was about to take. I even told him that there would be no future to our relationship as I did not want to be the one to hinder his pursuit in fulfilling his ambitions. I was willing to let go of us. I was DEAD serious.

Then came the reply letter from him. It was too natural that he would plead me to stay. But he did not. He elaborated on how I should not abandon my future just like that. He reminded me how I was a lucky girl to be given the opportunity to pursue my studies. Even though I was not on a scholarship, I still owe my life to my parents. He continued on writing about how he could help me to get out of trouble (yes, he did).

Then, only in the final part of the letter, he wrote this:

"Tuhanku, seandainya telah Engkau catatkan dia milikku, tercipta buatku, dekatkan hatinya dengan hatiku.

Titipkanlah kemesraan antara kami agar kebahagiaan antara kami kekal abadi. Dan Tuhanku, seiringkanlah kami mengharungi hidup luas ini ke tepian sejahtera.

Tetapi Tuhanku Yang Maha Pengasih, seandainya telah kau takdirkan dia bukan milikku, bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku, luput dari ingatanku dan peliharalah ku dari kekecewaan.

Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengerti, berikan aku kekuatan melontar bayangannya ke dada langit. Hilang bersama senja merah dan pekat malam agar aku bisa bahagia walaupun tanpa dirinya.

Dan Tuhanku Yang Tercinta, gantikanlah yang telah hilang, tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah, meskipun tiada yang sama dengan dirinya..Amin"

I never liked typical Malay Drama Kings, and the guy who wrote these words was definitely one! I could have crumpled the letter for my ego was at its peak at that time.

But I did not. I decided to marry him few months later.

As we, in each other's arms, reread the letter yesterday, I could not but to shed tears in gratitude for I believe I have been given another chance by someone who came into my life, so unplanned, so sudden.

I hope he would still be there for me now, in my quest to know who am I. Please help me, sayang.

32 comments:

Goldilocks said...

I cried when I read your post. Very touchy. You are so lucky to have him. Congratulations!

mamasita said...

O romantik nyer! Berair mata I..and may you both love and have eyes only for each other till the end!

SkyJuice said...

That was sweet of him. All the best to you!

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Goldilocks,

Tq for dropping by. This is the plea of a woman who is trying her best to be the perfect wife, mother and lover.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Datin,

I hope nanti bila turn dia pulak yg gundah-gulana,I le jadi tempat dia mengadu, bukan kat org lain..

Amin

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear SkyJuice,

Yea, he was sweet..that is worth all the richness in the world.

DSN said...

Amboi...romantiknya urang Rao...
Kalau I tau I cari urang Rao juga dulu...hehehe.
But remember there is this one thing called "7-year itch". I have gone thru it 3 times after a cicle of three 7-years...after 26 years of marriage...and the next one in 2 years time..."sigh"

Capt's Longhouse said...

Just bcas you/we are married it does not makes us different from who we are !. In fact, marriage makes the "World" go round for the family. Just be oneself and continue to improve our lifestyle together plus with the children as they grow infront of us yaaa !.
Life responsibilities will indeed grow bigger by the day but that's the interesting/challenging part of living.
As for myself, being married for past 35 years have been a blessing to me and am dead sure you & hubby will similarly enjoy the present/future togetherness plus the high/low of daily living too, from the sound of it.
Take a break once in a while, perhaps come visit me on Kapas Island,,,it will indeed be refreshing from the stressful city lifestyle ?. Just chill out, walk along the beach, watch the sunset and do nothing for a change ?.
Be a beach bum like me ? Hahaha.

Shahieda said...

Ida, first you have me splitting my sides with laughter & today you have me in tears!! OI!!

Firstly, let me say that you're very lucky to be able to have found someone who was able to accept you for the person you are.

I do not understand a word your husband wrote in his letter but I get the gist of what he was trying to say. Nonetheless, you are exactly where you need to be at this point in your life.

God has different plans from the ones we plan, afterall he is the best of Planners.

Allow yourself to be still & listen to your instinct, it never fails to let you down.

Jeffrey Matisa said...

Dear Ida

So let's look at this:

You have been a working woman, married with a family to raise, a
husband who in his own stoic fashion is ever there for you and a flower bed of adoring friends and blog followers. While I am on your side, that remains insignificant as I am baffled as to what is missing or how you are want for the means to search your soul for answers.

I doubt knowing that everyone goes through these crises, especially after a life-altering decision is made and taken, is going to set off a lightbulb in your head.

All the world's clamouring and professing can at best only be the pool in which you may gaze upon your reflection but not the sea upon which you take the voyage to meet yourself.

Shahieda has got it spot on by suggesting that you be still. I am sure you have heard of the little fish that was looking for the ocean. How would you tell him where to go?

I shall await you on the other side. Scones, goat cheese and coarse marmalade sit on the rocks overseen by a pot of tea. Please don't say you cannot row across.

Mimi said...

romantis sungguh ayat-ayat dia guna (ihik..sorry..i tau u x suka i guna the word romantis..)

have a nive weekend..

edelweiss said...

Ida,

I am in tears lah pulak...hehe! You are one lucky girl to have him in your life..I doakan yang terbaik untuk u dear....aminn.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Dato' Sham,

Ni circle ni semua org mesti lalui ke? I believe this is a psychological change that is common in all, perhaps there are ways to fight it. Sometimes it becomes too overwhelming la, sampai boleh jadi confused.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Capt of the Kapas Island,

Tq for your invitation to your serene island. Yes, Pulau Kapas would be in our next holiday trip.

I long to stroll along the beach and watch the sunset. The last time we watched the sunset (about 8 years ago..sigh, we were busy bickering over some trivial matters (I should have just kept my mouth shut at that moment!), thus we missed the magic moment seeing the Sun setting in the Eastern horizon.

I hope we have learnt our lessons well, now that life is more secured.

Wow, you have been married for 35 years? Congratulations, sir. We have been married for only 9 years! We have miles to go....

MrsNordin said...

I like Jeffrey Matissa's analogy on this. Scones, goat cheese, marmalade... please don't say you can't row across. Very nice.

We all go through this. Whatever happened in the past has happened, do not look back. All you have is now, so make the best of it for a better tomorrow.

What your husband said in his letter is very true. It just goes to say you are meant for each other. Treasure him!

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Shahieda,

Yes, I too believe in being still and listening to my conscience. I did this before I met him, almost 10 years ago. That was the time when I got really fed up with all the 'happenings' in my life, yes, there were happy people around me, yet I felt as if I have lost touch with myself.

Then I decided to withdraw myself from the 'goo goo ga ga' life, just spent some time to myself, trying to get to know me. Trying to love myself more too.

Yes, I trust my instincts. I hope to rely on it still, even though at times I might misjugde some things around me.

You have a great week ahead, dear. So glad we have found each other here..:)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Major Jeffrey,

I will paddle my way to your little shelter. Be it rain or shine, you know I will. And you know too that I will bring the whole ship with me! We will see you there, just how the Mayflower landed on Plymouth's rock...:)

Yes, sir. I believe this is truly the best part of my life. I have everything that a woman could ask for. Plus, to have all of you around, coming to say 'hi' here is indeed, a blessing...:)

I will be still, that is the best thing to do.

If this is a phase that I have to go through, so be it, I shall face it like a fighter.

There are times when I will be blue, perhaps that is just too natural. I am unable to contain my emotions, I will let it out and be done with it.

It is a pleasure having you around, sir..May God Bless You..:)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Mimi,

You know how much I 'geli' dgn ayat-ayat romantika tempatan ni..hahaha.

Anyway, I believe you are aware of the things I have gone through. You and Lyana were there for me through thick and thin. Ni kira macam Penyimpan Mohor Besar Raja-raja la ni..

One thing that I can never forget is when you and Lyana took the initiative to caution my parents about my sickness. I did not realize I was bed ridden for two days! Maka terjadilah adengan Ida naik ambulance IIU pakai kain batik (itu pun entah sapa punya sebab I was so sick to dress up properly).

May God Bless You, my dear friend, Kensalam kat Mr. Abd. Karim and kisses to Lil N..:)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Edelweiss,

Lately, I jadi senang tersentuh tau. But I tak la p marah2 org tu if dia buat I berasa hati..i merajuk je la.

Apa penyakit ni? My hubby would just give me a BIG hug if he sees me feeling blue, he knows I just need someone to listen and understand.

I hope you would not have to go through this..:)

Have a pleasant day ahead, dear.

edelweiss said...

Ida,

Insyallah things will be better...banyakkan berdoa. Allah Maha Mendengar.

U'll be fine.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear MrsN,

I still have miles to go, still learning how to paddle my little boat across the choppy seas.

My past is behind me, even though some return to knock on my door.

Hubby is my strength, I hope it is mutual.

Have a fruitful week ahead, madam.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Edelweiss,

Yes, I believe in the power of doa' sebab Tuhan dah banyak makbulkan doa I.

Bila baca surat tu balik, my hubby pun cakap Tuhan dah makbulkan doa dia yg dia tulis at the final part of the letter..

Allah is Almighty.

mrs hafiidz nadia said...

Dear sis Ida,

Meremangnya baca ayat2 surat tu :') romantik nya..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Hi Nadia,ni la keje kitaorang muda2dolu. Bila baca balik, my hubby pun heran mana dia dapat ilham tulih mcm tu. Tu la dia kata, tulis guna mata hati..ceh wah..

Enjoy ur weekends, dear

madam gold said...

When people are in love,they are able to produce anything.
Ida,if I were to receive such a letter,I would definitely be in cloud nine.
Mine usahkan surat cinta, kata2 cintan pun jarang.You knowlah army..his egos control everything!
You are one lucky lady..remember that sis.
Good luck in your soul searching.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Madam Gold,

Ni yang guna ayat2 cintan la yang bila sekali guna menusuk jiwa raga..u r lucky as ni bukan jenis mulut manis, the sweet words only for u..

Shahieda said...

See, you know what to do. Had you not been still 10 years ago, you might have not been married him today.

There's definitely a reason why I happened upon your blog my dear, our experiences are shared. And in doing so makes it easier.

And I would certainly like to join you for those scones, only I prefer them with strawberry jam & dollops of fresh cream, wink, wink!!

Who knows, the possibility that we meet face to face is very real. I do have intentions of visiting your beautiful country :)

Jeffrey Matisa said...

Dear Ida

Bring any other ship in, but I say unto you, if you bringeth the Mayflower to berth, I shall serve oats!!!! I am sure you can figure out why.

The shelter awaits, and looks like its roof needs widening. And I am off to harass the goats for extra cheese.

Oh, Ida. He has blessed me. May He bless you and yours all your days to come.

Dalam Dakapan Ibu said...

Hi Ida,
Romantiknya .... and so sweet of him!

I guess when you're in love, words from your inner heart would come out flowing like the water in the blue river .. so smooth and pure :)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Shahieda,

You r most welcomed to visit Malaysia. Notify me before you are coming, ok..:)

Dear Major Jeffrey,

We owe the goodness of oats from the Quakers. Perhaps you can serve me a glass of air tebu too! Hehehe

Salam Ibu,

When one is intoxicated by love, everything is possible, bak kata org lautan api lagi ku renangi..

Anonymous said...

Dear Ida,
Those words sama mcm yg I pernah doa after solat when I confused & was dumped by a guy 8 years back. I found it somewhere in the kitab. And of course, it headed me to my now soulmate & love of my life. - Nana

Anonymous said...

The entire thing that he wrote seems to be plagiarized.

Just google for it and you'll see how many other sites have that same sweet words:

http://www.google.com/#hl=en&q=Titipkanlah+kemesraan+antara+kami+agar+&btnG=Google+Search&aq=f&oq=Titipkanlah+kemesraan+antara+kami+agar+&aqi=&fp=XBPzb6yWSQ0