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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Getting Married Again?

There's trouble at home. Yea, I've been crying, beating my chest sometimes like a distraught Arab woman. Can you visualise it? You really think I would ever do that? Smile.

I've been spending my weekends at my cousin's crib on the 15th floor. When the kids are away with their bapak for the weekends, hell I need to simply get away from...from the ugly reality, I suppose?

I love spending time with Nyah Ana and her beautiful girls AJ and MJ, Ben the hubby is a pilot, so he is always away on duty. I am blessed to have my loved ones- family and friends to support me, to just listen and not be judgemental. Sometimes it is just too much for a woman's heart to handle, but then there is nothing that a woman can't handle. In fact God Almighty has promised to only burden us with problems bareable by our mortal hearts and minds. Hey, I am cool. Grin.

So if going solo is going to be like a walk in the park, why the hell did I choose that book (in the pic up there), out of hundreds of books exhibited during a book fair last weekends? Oh yes, I was also frantically looking for 'Chicken Soup for a Divorcee', but too bad it was out stock (thank God, I was not the only one in this mall with this problem!). And later I eyed for another book entitled, "Single Men", so apt. I took another title just to cover up. I was happy that I managed to dig out 3 books to take up the RM30 for 3 offer. Then Nyah Ana approached me, a laughing away.

"Ondek, apo tang buku kao ambik? Gata udah?", she giggled on. (OMG! What books are you buying, cheeky?). We usually converse in broken Rawa.

There were some kuailos sheepishly smiling at me too. No they were NOT checking on me. I wasn't too desperate to think otherwise! They saw the books in my hands.

So I figured, what the hell. Remarrying ain't my aim in life. I have to build my life again, with the kids minus a man to call my own. If I have to lead a sexless life till I am grey and old, be it. I know I am loved, and I am contented to know that I am capable of loving someone. Ah well, life's too wonderful to just sigh and sigh till you have nothing to sigh about.

I am going through shit. Nothing is certain yet, legally. But the heart has decided. For all the pain and anguish, I seek protection from God. He is Omnicient, He knows the truth. Ain't gonna talk about it ever again. Fed up.

So what's up with the books? Nah, nothing. Just responding to my state of mind at that moment. I chucked them books away. I don't need a guidebook to find another man. I don't need to succumb to the sudden attack of loneliness. Why the hell for? When I've so much love to share with those who respect my eccentric, hard headed self.

I am letting go, I know I am not losing anything.

Then, I woke up!