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Friday, February 27, 2009

Greatest Mummy in the World?

Lyana thinks that I am a great mum. I don't blame her for misjudging me as she's a dear friend of mine. Tell me, how can I be a great mum when..

1) I hardly prepare breakfast for my family nowadays. My kids start their days eating the food prepared by my maid. I am more concern of being on time to work, but I am never on time, as the bloomin' work starts so early and that my route to the school is always congested.

2) I come home late. I am a teacher, yes, but I am unable to teach my own kids as I am usually half dead when I arrive home.

3) I get angry pretty easily when my kids are not able to complete their homework. Lately, I would give monosyllabalic (is there such a word?) response to my kids' queries.

4) I scream at them all the time as I am so tired and stressful at work.

5) I hardly cook for them, don't eat with them, have no time to even feed Didi (can't remember the last time I fed her).

6) I rarely bathe my kids or change their diapers as everything is done by the maid.

7) Benjamin is having some sort of blisters on his groin, but the bloomin' work that I have to go to tomorrow gives me no space to even take him to the doctors, hubby is busy.

8) The older kids are dead bored staying at home on Saturdays. The autocratic ruler of my school orders all teachers to work on Saturdays. So I am unable to take the kids out. Hubby is busy with Aikido for the whole day.

9) I hardly read bedtime stories to them, as when I am at home, I would still be struggling to finish my never ending work.

10) I work overtime, do extra work for the benefit of other peoples' kids when all of my kids are neglected at home.

11) Sarah tells me that she thinks of me whenever she is in school, where as whenever I am at work, I only think about my work, how to reduce the @#$% pile of work.

12) Sarah and Adam are not preforming in school. Adam, still can't read well. Handwriting is atrocious. Sarah has low self-esteem as she knows that she is the last class.

Now, tell me dear friends? Do I deserve to be the greatest? I can't even control my life as I am chained to this rotten thing that is turning me into a bad and lousy mum.

God knows how I yearn to be with my kids all the time. Only God knows how guilty I feel for not having the strenght to even fight for my kids' rights for some quality time with me. These tears are drying out. God, this is a torture.

So Lyana, I don't deserve this. Tq anyway.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I WANT TO CRY...I WANT TO CRY....CRYING ALREADY...sob..sob..sob. I want to go home, my kids are asking for me, but I am stuck here, at work..sob..sob..

Monday, February 23, 2009

Unsung Heroes

That's it! I cannot go on anymore. I am mentally worn out. I have been sick, the flu just won't leave me in peace, my throat sore, my lungs are soaked with phlegm and head spinning (can't even prostrate well during solat).

How am I to juggle between work and family when the former is such a burden to shoulder? I do not know what is wrong with the school. We, the teachers are bogged down by never ending work, we feel that we have distanced ourselves from our students. Goodness, how I pity my dear colleagues who, everyday confide in me. They claim that I am lucky to be counting my days leaving the school. As for them, they have no choice but to stay.

Actually, I did not have much choices. I am not rich. One thing about me is that I am just too proud to stay on at work. I believe I am just cheating myself and the students as I am not able to render my all to my core business, that is teaching. I see there is no point of me doing something that I have no passion for. I cannot go on feeling guilty all the time. Teaching is fun, but when one becomes the jack of all trades, doing work not related to teaching at all, I believe this is all nonsense.

It is not fair for me to bring home my unfinished work as I believe that it is my right to enjoy my rest at home. At this moment, as I am writing this, Sarah is here doing her homework. Believe it or not, I am attending to two computers now, one for typing and the other one is for research, and of course writing for this blog.

I have been told by friends that I have guts for deciding to quit. I really pity them, they have no other options but to enslave themselves to the autocratic rule of our superior. If only the boss could understand how we have tried our best to achieve her goals. If only she could understand us, how much we have slogged like hell just to serve the school. I believe, if she could just listen to our predicaments, we will be fine.

I am trully sadden to hear about the children of my friends who seem to be neglected at home. The very long and unscheduled meetings we have usually leave the kids hungry for food and attention at home.

I have, honestly speaking, shouted and spanked my kids for trivial and childish things they did. I simply cannot help it. I am inside out so exhausted and disappointed. I am unable to contain it all. Mummy is so sorry darlings.

I shall write no more tonight as it is very disappointing. I am looking forward to leaving that 'pressure cooker' school. I am sorry, dear friends I have to go. I am selfish and weak. I cannot make myself endure such torture to my pride and soul. Thanks so much for the friendship. I will cherish it till the day I die.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hopeless Romantic

Dear all,

I want to be in love with love. I want to be a hopeless romantic. I have only read one romance novel , with a happy ending (supplied by Lyana), forgot the title. I have watched several romantic movies. Don't know why, in books and movies, I seem to love the ones with sad endings. Thus, I believe life must have tragedies as that is a part of being human.

I want to run free in my imaginative world again. I want to play a different role.
Please supply me with titles of books and movies, with love and devotion as the theme. Share with me the stories that have shaped your perception on life and love. Give me the name of the books or movies that have never failed to make you feel hopelessly romantic.

Perhaps it is fair if I initiate this search by stating that the most romantic book that I have read is "The Bridges of Madison County" and the best movie would be ...I don't know, difficult to choose.
Let's be in love with love tonight..

P/S: Lyana, I am not going out of my mind..it is just one of them days when the elements within need nourishing.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Help Desk for Marriage

A friend complained to me that his marriage has turned sour. He seems to put the blame on his wife, calling her a boring queen control mama. Yeah, I can be a shoulder to cry on, but I am not interested in hearing a man talking ill about another woman, especially about his wife and the mother to his kids!
Luckily, I came across this e-mail from a girlfriend, who has been very generous sharing some jokes and cartoons on life with me.
Life is a big book of interesting but heart-wrenching adventures, but too bad there is no accurate manual of instructions on how to solve all the ills in life. But then, to think of it again, there IS such manual, it is just many have forgotten about it. I believe life would be right on track if one just sticks to the Holy Qur'an or perhaps the Bible. Then again, to err is human.
Happy reading, I hope this would tickle your heart..
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!


A Troubled User.

*********** KEEP READING ************


Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony - Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Blues

Love is in the air. But I am sleeping alone tonight. When almost everyone is busy making preparations for the Valentine's Day tomorrow, I am sitting here all by myself, figuring out the subject matter for my writing here.

Where are the others? You might be wondering. Well, they are here at home with me. Just now, about 20 minutes ago, there was a commotion coming from my room, I heard laughter and all. I could visualize my hubby doing acrobatics with the kids (minus Didi as she is still small). I could also picture the degree of mess they have caused to my bed. I should have listened to my hubby, never spread white or off white bedsheets on the bed, no matter how much I love the feel of crisp cotton white sheets caressing my skin.

The bed canopy too, I should have abandoned the idea as now it has tilted to one side. Nothing much I could do now as the bed, that used to be the love nest has become the playground or perhaps the trampoline for the kids..and their father too.

Suddenly, there was silence. No more strings of laughter coming from the room. I wondered what were they up to. I had to go and check.

The scene is predictable. I have seen it so many times. Yes, the canopy has ceased to be the decor to the bed. It is more like a dangling ugly piece of white sheet stuck to the turkish tile turquoise feature wall.

The off white laced duvet was sprawling on the floor.

The pillows were naked, I wondered where were the cases, under the bed, as usual.

I was pretty upset to see this. Then my eyes caught sight of something that no words could ever describe.

How do you describe the rupture of joy and love seeing your loved ones in slumber in each others' arms (and legs?). There they were, all four of them, packed up like a can of sardines, on the bed which I was suppose to keep warm on the eve of Valentine's Day. Well, I will have to sleep in my daughter's room tonight. I might be sleeping alone, but I am sure the core of my life, my love is just in the next room.

Sweet dreams my love. Everyday is a Valentine's Day.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Nagging Mama (am I sick?)

The kids tengah main tarik truck..tu tengoh duduk atas my hubby's pillow tu, as I punya depa tak berani kacau

I tak suka bising-bising pepagi, but I simply cannot help it. Last night, I retired to bed earlier than usual, so hubby and the kids were left surfing the Net. I am usually the last to bed but the first to get up. But semalam I was mentally exhausted (due to work and tak pasal-pasal kena marah dek ada orang ni yang ingat I buat-buat cerita!), so I went to sleep rather early. It is my habit to inspect that everything is OK and put everything in order before going to bed, but as I was in a state of half dead last night, I pejam mata je and terus tidur. (Hate to see the house in a mess when I wake up).

So bila I bangun pagi ni, I dah expect la the mess...Mak oii, menyirap darah tengok! Rupa-rupanya bapak and the kids stayed up entah sampai pukul berapa, kira joli katak la watching youtube sambil makan dan minum. Now, I tak marah kalau nak menjamu selera, tapi jangan la berhamburan (kata orang Sabah) sana-sini. I benci nak bising-bising berleter pepagi ni, but I cannot help it la sebab dah banyak kali bagitau. Yes, we have the maid to clean up, but kesian la kat dia.

I tengok lately ni my house macam tak terurus, yeah, things are clean, but I tak puas hati la, jenuh la i dok train my kids makan elok-elok kat dining table, jangan berjalan-jalan, tapi lately I tengok everything has gone haywire. I am no superwoman nak pegi kemas hari-hari and how much can you expect from the maid? I think I la pompuan paling bising pagi tadi, geram tau..time I tengah mengomel, tetiba Adam took out a starfruit from the fridge and started to slice it using a sharp knife..ON MY BRAND NEW WHITE KITCHEN COUNTER! Astagfirullah...berapa kali nak cakap, jangan buat macam tu.

My hubby cakap kekadang I bising macam my Uci, maybe kurang sikit la, so he generalized semua pompuan Rawa mulut bising. So I told him, kalau nak wife diam je tak bising, pegi carik yang bisu! I wonder if other concerned mothers out there berleter at home, so far I belum jumpa lagi a mother who remains demure and patient when her house is in a mess.

I rasa kat condo I ni suara I la yang paling audible, firstly because I am a teacher, hence loud, secondly selalu nag. I cannot help it la. Pernah dulu I try dok diam je saja tgk akai my kids bersiap pegi sekolah, dah pulak my hubby bising. Orang lelaki kalau dia marah buruk bunyinya, punya la kasaq, especially bila dia guna bahasa Sandakan nya.

I am working, dah pulak tu 7.20am dah kena clock in, umah 8km je from school, tapi traffic jam dia punya la dasyat. I leave home at 6.35am and arrive school at 7.22am, and 7.21am dah merah on the punch card. Honestly, semanjak start sekolah ni baru 3 kali I awal...tension ke tak? You cannot expect me to leave the house at 6.20am, sapa nak supervise my kids? What much can a father does? Karang kena aikido my kids dek bapak dia pepagi, as dia pun blood senang go upstairs! My kids ni lain sikit, Adam especially, bila mandi kena tanya gosok gigi ke tak, dah sabun seluruh badan ke, sikat rambut biar kemas..semalam dia pegi sekolah pakai singlet terbalik. Sarah pulak, kalau you tak observe, pakai kasut pun terbalik. Tension ke tak?

Kalau la I mati besok, macam mana la bebudak ni? Masa I pegi Japan 8 hari pun, my hubby took care of the boys only, the girls dok dgn my mom as the maid balik kampung. So Alhamdulillah bila I balik umah tak le macam tongkang pecah.

Ni keje sekolah bertimbun lagi ni, Thursday ni nak kena observe pulak. Keja umah pun banyak ni, kena tutor the kids lagi. Luckily ada cuti Thaipusam, so long weekend, if I keje on Saturday, I've only Sunday to rest and settle housechores..I simply cannot wait for 15 April 2009.

In the pic: The fate of the truck, a birthday gift for my youngest brother from my mom, back in 1993. Dapat kat my kids, truck beli kat ceruk dunia mana pun hancur. Ben is striking a pose on the beheaded toy.

Friday, February 6, 2009

When the Heart Blunders..

My heart has been guilty of wandering around the forbidden meadow next door. I had a limb beyond the boundary of innocence, just contemplating on my next move to the Great Ruin. Luckily I hesitated to charge beyond the line, or else I'll be damned till infinity.

I am greatful to the Almighty for giving me the sign, I have been a fool, actually worst than a fool for I have turned my cheeks away from the caring words of friends. Thank you friends and strangers for caring to share your wisdom to keep me sane. I have grown stronger, hopefully wiser, to shield my vulnerable soul from temptations.

Now, I am back in the circle of love and trust. I shall take shelter here forever. This heart will never again attempt to venture beyond. I am not a blundering fool.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


...I am your temple...