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Monday, January 4, 2010

How now brown cow?

Here comes the most confused woman in blosphere!

Yes, I have been away for a long long time. I would love to blame time for being too short, inadequate to
cater to my very busy lifestyle. I am tempted to find a scapegoat to put the blame on for making my days shorter. No, I do not wish for more arms to juggle my duties, but I wish I could have something to help me to compartmentalise my muddled mind, something effective that works like simple colourful dividers for an ABA ring file.

Here comes January again. Here comes the self inflicted dilemma again. Exactly last year today, I've experienced this "Mummy Wanna Stay at Home and Be with the Family" kinda sickness. Don't know if I ever should call it a sickness.

So Ida, what are you up to now? Work.

You love it? Yes.

Why do you love it? Am in no mood to elaborate, just the tone in my affirmative answer should explain my feeling.

You want to keep it? Well, it is January. You know what kind of a confused state of mind I am in now.

How does Suzalie coping with this? Entah. I know he is not enjoying the ride.

What about the kids? They want me home. But if am home for too long, I'll become more difficult to deal with, but when I am working, I become too hooked on it. So how now brown cow?

I have new opportunities smiling at me, but I ain't looking at them yet. YET. Where got time, ma. The same excuse.

Just now someone suggested that I should lose 10 pounds. 10 pounds? I know I should lose 15! Hell, I am not doing yoga or pilates or bell dancing anymore. Why? No time.

But love what I am doing now. Wish I could find a simple way to do it effectively, without slaughtering my precious time with the family. What is it that I want to achieve in life? I know I can go miles and miles and miles and not look back. But am I doing the right thing? It is worth the sacrifice?

I want to build a legacy, carve my name on the stone of high achievers, but it is a bit too late for me now? Shouldn't I be concentrating on building my kids' future, to have a hands on experience experimenting on what is right for them?

I ain't using the kids to shield my inability to cope with life, but I do not want to lose something precious to me. I need help to find my way through. I want to know if it is the right thing to do. How do you know it is the right thing to do? How can you tell you are doing it right?

Today, someone told me that I should cease to be a thinker. He said I should just F it. F it and move on. I wish it could be that easy.

When exactly a year ago I have made a decision in favour of my loved ones, now it has come to the point where I have to make that decision again. The difference is that the one I had then was turning sour, but the one in the present is so sweet to abandon. I would love to stay on, but frankly I hate to neglect the kids and my man. And yes, the money I am making, alhamdulillah, is good. That is the problem when you are spoilt by choices to make. Sigh...

I am still at work, it is already late. It breaks my heart to visualise the family having dinner without me. I hope they do not miss me even though I miss them really badly. Am I doing the right thing? Can someone please tell me...

9 comments:

MrsNordin said...

There's always an opportunity cost whenever it comes to choosing between career and family. If you chose a career, your family has to take a step back. If you chose your family, your career has to be put on hold.

Either way, are you happy? That's the question that you have to answer.

I don't think you should quit your job to be with the family. Just find one that is more manageable in terms of time. Or, manage your time better with the current job.

Take care, Ida.

NanaDJ said...

Ida,
You have been away far too long. Welcome back and Happy New Year.
I agree with Mrs Nordin, you have to make your own choice and choose the path that is best for you.
Seriously, I think you should not quit your job. It would be a waste after going through higher education you end up staying at home and not contributing your knowledge and skill. Your family will learn to adjust and they will survive don't worry. I went through 33 years of full time working life and am still working ( although not full time)in my twilight years. My children are normal and enjoy a better living standard than if there is only one breadwinner in the family.

Tranquility said...

welcome back senorita!

For all intents and purposes i think you know very well the answer to your question.

Anonymous said...

Ida I have been Reading yr blog silently for a while. My mum once said, a women should never quit her job no matter how rich the man she marries. She must always hold her own money, it is unattractive for a women to stay at home, you don't go out hence u neglect your appearance, u lack a variety of conversation as u stay at home and more importantly a women who works commands respect. And from me don't give up your job really how many of us can say we love what we are doing?am glad ur writting again. Was getting tad boring in the blogsphere

Lyana Mauseth said...

dear anon,

*it is unattractive for a women to stay at home, you don't go out hence u neglect your appearance, u lack a variety of conversation as u stay at home and more importantly a women who works commands respect.*

ouch, as a housewife and a full time mom, i really feel insulted...

QM said...

My mother was a working mom. I went through 5 maids. I try to find a memory of my mom making breakfast when I was in school, I can only remember Kak Lik (one of my maids) nasi lemak bungkus...and of her serving me lunch when I came back from school (this was standard 1)

When I was in form 1, I went to school by bus in the wee hours of the morning. I always slept in the bus. If I woke up late, I would have to take the public bus to school and walk half an hour to school (because the public bus does not stop infront of the school)

All I remember was, everytime I needed money for school supplies or tuition or anything, I turn to my mom. Even going to tuition I took the public bus.

Form 3 I went to boarding school. Then continued my degree. I adjusted as they say - to be independent.

Yes my parents had more than 1 car, we went on holidays & I always had the latest in everything.

But after 1 degree and 1 diploma, 2 high paying positions held in 2 international companies (NCR and AMEX), 2 kids later and after the 2nd baby - all I wanted was to be a stay at home mom.

I learnt that money isnt everything, that my husband still find me attractive, i can still carry a conversation and Lyana's husband said Syasya was a happy baby.

No I dont blame or hate my mom. Infact I am blessed that I had that experience and pick up what works and what doesnt.

The irony was - I quit after reading your posting on why you wanted to quit.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/4438133/Parents-who-put-their-children-before-work-will-rescue-British-society.html

p/s sorry for the ranting. cant help but feel insulted. but you do what makes u happy

Anonymous said...

Lyana: sorry if you felt insulted but i felt pretty bored with the mums talk after working in corporate. And yeah i let my self go as i was feeling too comfy being at Home tak de sapa nak tengok. So its my experience never meant to insult and good for u if u cant still be a stay at Home mum
n still do it all. A housewife is a job as well is a much harder job as u dont have a cut Off time. Thats why i cant do it. I choose the slightly easy route.but no route is easier each has its own challenges. Some if us r born to be mums , some not. I guess the most important thing in blogging is understanding where t comment is coming from. Some people will comment based on past experience good or bad. This is why respecting where a persons comment is vital. We all dont really know each other what has happend in our past to say what we r saying now.

Anonymous said...

ida,do u have yanti punyer phone no?

-jacinta-

Anonymous said...

salam..i'm attracted to this particular post coz I am having a hard time to decide too tho the circumstances are a little different on my part. Whatever that is, in my opinion, family is everything. I would sacrifice myself/my wants for my husband and kids. Simply because, I experience being surrounded by those who have been betrayed/cheated/lied too. A little conservative on my part, but, a wife's job is to take care of the family-the hardest job on earth-pulling d family together and not make it fall apart.

But of course, it you can juggle both, it would not be a problem. I am skeptical tho, because if you can juggle, y d post at the 1st place. I doa 4 u and yr family.

mayb u've found ur true passion by now..take care