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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Great Leap

I dragged myself to get ready to work today..I took time to decide which colour to wear today, blue or red? At 7.05am, I decided to wear my blue kebaya, at least the hue could make me feel ok..I hope.

As I was getting ready, I asked hubby of our family's financial status, whether a single income is sufficent to support the family. He mumbled his reply (maybe it was because he was feeling groggy as he didn't sleep the whole night installing the tiles for the baths). Well, I used to ask him, he said no problem.

Well, I arrived at school with my heart and soul left at home. I would rather be with my kids, guiding them to adulthood, sharing with them the lessons of life, helping them out as they stumble on their journey to maturity. I know I'll be here as their mummy for only once in my and their lifetime. Hence, I cannot afford to neglect my duty and fail.

I have seen my abilities and talents as a career woman, so I do not want to prove anything anymore. I believe I can do better as a person who has all her time to herself and her family. I do not want to be other poeple's champion but a loser to my kids and family.

Dear friends, I have made up my mind that this shall be the final year for me as a working mom. I will still proceed with my endeavour in acquiring knowledge, (will start my Masters early next year with OUM). But I will do it for the love of seeking knowledge.

My resignation letter is on the way, I am determined to put this dilemma to an end..


Lyana Mauseth said...

dear ida..people like us will survive anything...u can write in ur spare time when the kids are away at school...maybe u can write a novel?? well, i have been working on mine for 6 years and i only managed to write 6 chapters haha...

there are many thing we can do...it is just that we have to be creative...like i said..u can do tutoring at home, be sensei's PA or get yourself involved in community services...

too bad that we are so far away..if not we can do something together....

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Lyana,

I wonder is it my fault that i have already fed up with my work? I have the passion to teach, but i hate the paper work..keje-keje merapu and sia-sia macam jadik kuli batak orang..

Memang i tengah bengang ni..I hate it when I am helpless to decide on my own time with my OWN family. I hate it when others can simply give their blooming orders macam i am they blooming PA. I know I can get things done properly, perhaps that is why people keep on counting on me.

Teaching is a noble job, I just love to see the look on my students' face during lessons..seronok sharing ilmu ni, but bila ada manusia yang tau hanya mengarah dengan hati batu yang kering, I rasa MELUAT!

I was not born into this world for others to give orders to. I know my own stuff..I determine my life! No one can hang their !@#$ on me.

Tq darling for listening and understanding my dilemma..you are a true friend, I really miss having you here..:(

lenzaidi said...

i have stopped working after juggling with work ive trained for and the small kids that came along with my love to the man called Husband lol.That was back in late 90s.Husband was already taking a job with Shell in Miri while i was working in KK and looking after the then 3 small.

Soon after i tendered my resignation letter, i felt a huge slab of cement lifted off my shoulders. I stayed at home with one thing in my head looking after my growing 4 small kids ( each came after three years apart)and be the lady in leisure ;-). I would dream away of becoming one wholesome wife and mother to the small ones.I would dream away of becoming a wife who could cook, bake,clean and keep a beautiful home.That dream was shortlived and not even attempted.

Little did i realise the whole time i had was wasted away as i slumped into depression.I didnt like the new place (Miri little oil town), the neighbourhoods were housewives and homemakers ( whom only bother if you have more than you do at home),i didnt like the food, the airport and everything seems dreadful to me.I saw very little of my children as they came and go out of the house right infront of my eyes.They learnt to speak the Sarawak dialect which is all new and hilarious to them, they quickly gotten many friends at the neighbourhood.Soon i lost control of them and of my good soul.

I cried and cried and spent most of my time counting my fingers!One day i couldnt hold myself together anymore and called my hubby to be home.I had this panic attack as if im gonna crazy or die.Very soon i found myself sitting infront of a psychiatrist and my cries seem louder than i could imagine.

No im not going to change your mind of quiting teaching and settling home for your kids.I want you to do a little homework as what you are going to do with your time at home.I know you will be spending more time with the kids, attending to their schoolworks and emotional needs. What are you going to do with your goodself when the kids are away from home. The most you will take to do your master is 2 years.After that what?

Do a little soul searching for me. I dont want anyone of you to go through what ive gone through. The 'coccoon' i built after i resigned was one very unbecoming soul betrayl and eposide in my life.Ive never prepared anything like this.It came as Tsunami and it went off in a snail pace.

Cheers lah.

lenzaidi said...

Ida dahlin,
If you have decided to quit, please take this advice.Tender your resignation letter on the 1st January 2009.You will be practically stop going to school by the end of march 2009, after giving 3 months notice to the school.

By doing this you will not be out of income while on school term holiday.Besides while on holiday and earning, you still have ample of time to really think to leave or to retract the resignation letter.;-)

The cycle starts again.You will be going all over making decision to leave or not to leave hahahah. Please Dont hand in your resignation letter yet.

Cheers bah.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Rose,

I was palnning to tender in my resignation letter this November, so I would only come to school for January 2009.

I have to start concentrating on my young kids starting early next year. No kidding.

I might find another lecturing or tutoring job at some other places later, but di sini I sudah tak tahan, bah..:(

lenzaidi said...

i lagi tak tahan sebab sudah berumur dan tercungap cungap dan sebab berumur lah i selalu berkecil hati kalau terserempak dengan si hati kering tu lol..
Tapi i takut duduk di rumah,takut tak ada buat apa and i will go into that 'dark' episode again. Kecuali i ada program harian untuk isi masa lapang. Sesuatu yang boleh memberi kepuasan hidup.

Kalau i diberi Sarah, Adam, Benjy and didi..uwahhhh i will resign and dedicate my life to them.Dulu at your age i didnt see much of this in my children.Kahwin dulu pun sebab i want to be with my husband hahah.Dah kahwin 3 months while in my final year, tetiba i naik panic and when to see a gynea if i was getting preggy.You see how very naive i was before.

Sekarang dah berumur begini ada semacam panic lain.'Will i have enough money to fend myself for the rest of my life.

You see you can still go on teaching while bringing up the foursome.You must have a program for them so that you will not neglect them and they can grow right infront of your eyes.Please try this first before you call it a day.
Cheers bah.

Lyana Mauseth said...

Dear ida,

there are many kinds of people..people that take orders and people that give orders...obviously, u are the one who could not take orders :D...so military is no no for u...i guess if people ask u nicely, u won't feel so angry right??biasala, org ni kalau memerintah bukan reti nak paham perasaan org...bos i dulu pun, kalau marah bukan takat i je yg kena maki, habis satu keturunan i dia maki...some people are just born jerks i tell u...

one thing u should prepare urself is that when u are a stay at home mom, u tend to feel inferior when people ask about ur career...u know to see ur friends are climbing up their careers and are proud of it, u have nothing to tell other than the progress of your children. At least that is how i feel everytime org tanya oh u keje mana? and u can just see the reaction on their faces after u give them the answer...and i feel it even more kat sini when the women are crazy about their careers..lagi la kita asian kat sini, kalau tak keja org ingat kita xde otak...did i tell u masa i pegi jumpa my doctor dulu, dia tanya i pegi sekolah ke tak?? i told her yg i msuk uni grad with honours, dia mcm tergejut...bengang i...

so u should be prepared pasal tu...sbb tu la bagi i cabaran utama..

and u should always give urself a break whenever u can sbb kalau tak, mau mental dgn perangai ank2...kkdg i have to lock myself in the room to calm myself down..

yusuf always tell me that i should also treat myself nice..go to a spa or join a dance class or whatever, just to relax myself and to fill up my time...well, everything needs money nowadays so i just enjoy groceries shopping or sleeping instead haha...but seriously, we should try to plan our time for ourselves too...that is our fault being mothers, we care for everyone else but ourselves..of course the kids and husband is the priority but if we are sick and stress and moody, the world will stop rotating, everything will fall on hard ground...

i think u should consider what rose said...i guess i should call her kak rose because i believe she is older than us :)...tender your resignation in january so you won't lose the salary in december...cuti dgn gaji kalau tolak rugi wooo :D...save that gaji and maybe u can use it to start something ( a small tuition center for example :D)

i am always trying to be supportive to all my friends :D and having u as a friend is my pleasure....i still remember the first time i saw u on campus at matric center...we were lining up, u were with mimi,fazlin and few other girls..i was behind all of u..so mcm2 cerita and komlen i dgr haha..those were the days...

lenzaidi said...

Lyana speaks well for your cause and im all behind you like a filial friend and elder sista!Yes im much older than both of you but truly young at heart, and for that reason i can relate myself to both of you and understand your problems and plight.

Cheers bah.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Rose,

I saw u from afar just now. I believe u were having extra class with the asrama kids...rajin ye you. I finished late for the debates training just now..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Lyana and Rose,

As I am typing this, I could hear my maid playing back the recording of my kids' happy voices on her phone. Know u see how much time i spend with my kids...sigh...

Maybe I am just being too idealistic..I cannot expect things to be perfect. My plans might not go accordingly. But I do not want to stop hoping and working towards the best. It is for the interest of my kids...

I believe you ladies have a valid point about the right time to resign...I will try to drag myself to work till January 2009. I believe by then I would have made the necessary arrangement for my period of being a homemaker.

Thanx for your time responding to my cries..thanx so much ladies..

P/S: Lyana, I believe it is my nature to be vocal..suka comment macam-macam, but I tak condemn or mengata orang..:)

Lyana Mauseth said...

it is still not too late for everything u plan to do ida...setahun yusuf was away from us, dia missed byk of the kids' development...so he really put his sadness into words...itu lah sbb nya i balik sini...

actually personally, i think bagus komplen2 ni..kalau simpan dalam hati mau biol kita kan..kita x mgata kat org, org yg selalu mgata kat kita...:D