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Friday, August 14, 2009

I am not a Perfect Person

I am not a perfect person and I do not intend to conceal my imperfections. I am not proud of my shortcomings, but I am learning to live with them. I am learning to accept that I am special because I am imperfect, that I am not trying to be who I am not.

There are issues in my life that I simply cannot share with you, for I believe you might not want to understand my imperfections perfectly. I have been honest to you about myself, perhaps that is just too much for you to handle. But why did not you put a halt to it before we become US?

Blame me, try to break me. I will stand tall for God has created me for a purpose. I am not insignificant. I might be confused and emotional sometimes, but I am never unworthy. And of course, the way I was brought up has nothing to do with my shortcomings. I am who I am, my being is the product of my reflections on life. I am a woman. I perceive things with an open heart, my eyes might deceive me.

Forgive me. I have wronged you. Don't hate me.

This silence is killing me, if that is what you want, then yes, I am dying. I shall go.

Perhaps that will make you happy.

"Here lies a simpleton who spent all of her life trying to accept her imperfections perfectly. But no one cared."

25 comments:

cikgu zainab said...

Ida,
Sabar dik...whatever it is. well, kalau bolehlah. tapi mama tak tau apa2 pun nih! Istigfar banyak2.

mamasita said...

Hellooo...we are all imperfect laah..bukan you sorang jer..SMILE!

Don't worry and don't be too harsh on yourself yer..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Cikgu Zainab,

I saja nak try..but i behaved well..:-)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Datin Mama,

Kenapa la I ni bukan jenih yg mengikut kata org tua2 ye..degil la. Dare devil betul. But I did not mean any harm..

Zendra said...

Now what HAVE you been up to Ida?

Nak try lah, dare-devil lah.... boleh cerita sikit ke? ;D

During my time it was Bo Derek who was the perfect 10!

madam gold said...

Salam Ida.I am not perfect either.Even people I love not only pointed out my imperfectness and flaws direct in front of my face but breathed the words to others.How about that???But I survived...

Spices of Life said...

Ida, I have been following your blog silently. All I can say is, I feel for you. We are the silent majority but you have the power to write so brilliantly. Pardon for my abrupt comments.
azieda

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Zendra,

All I can say is that..curiosity kills the cat, kids do not try this at home..hahahaha..(of course you are a lady not a kid, yet I do not encourage you to try..:-))

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

salam Madam Gold,

It hurts when someone you love seems to focus on your weaknesses rather than your strength. Yes I understnad that.

It is more heartbreaking when after admitting you were wrong, you are given the silent treatment. What if it is he who is in the wrong? Why do we forgive them so easily?

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Azieda,

Indeed, it is a pleasure having you here. I am glad that you understand me. It is not easy to gather up courage to scribble down your true emotions. I bet some think I am just too bold. But that is just me, I'll get sick if I have everything bottled up in me...

madam gold said...

Maybe our focus in life is not so much on him after that.So,forgive or not is no longer important when a feeling of indifference starts to conquer.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Madam Gold,

True that, sad but true..it is very unfortunate when everything becomes numb like this..Perhaps this is love at the lowest level..

Shahieda said...

Ida, we are all imperfect.

Imagine what the world would be like if we all had the same way of thinking?? The word here is compromise. :)

Anonymous said...

Ida,
To make a long story short, I was at a point in my marriage where I was seriously contemplating divorce. My dh was wrong in every way. I tried to forgive and do everything in my power to bring good to the marriage. Eventually I decided to stay for the sake of the children. It is ok for my one heart to be broken but not my children's. I learned to give for the sake of Allah. But at the same time I learned to love my self first, reflect and learn from everywhere. The man eventually turn around after so many years. Now he loves me like crazy... treat me like I am the most special women in the world. Sometimes I wonder why? Man needs to see a confident women who don't rely on them for their own happinness. Emotional women is a burden to people around her not just herself. Listen my husband is an arab.... there are so many things there are just so many different between us. i have learn a lot just by watching other people.... just so that I can break free from my own self... just so I can try to break out from my own cacoon. watch non regular people, people not familiar to you and see wht you can learn from them. sometimes we need to unlearn somethings that we are so used to... our way of being... in order to try a new or different way of being. don't give up. beg Allah for guidance.
sorry for taking up so much space. i feel your struggle, i have been there. hopefully there is something i can offer to lessen your burden.

Tranquility said...

Life was never meant to be perfect. I think it would suffice as long as there is a steady flow of happiness (hopefully in the end too as well).

It's hard. Stay strong.

ray said...

Komen Pak Malim, kucing ray yg alim.

I am also not a perfect person, kata Pak Malim sambil masuk prison.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Hey Shahieda dearie,

Tq for understanding my predicaments. I enjoy reading the words on Forgiveness that you've tagged me to @ FB..:-)

It is great to have someone who is kind enough to offer her shoulders to cry on..Tqvm, sis

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Anon 2:09am,

Patience..that's the value which lacking in me. I can learn to be tolerance but I am not that patient.

I have miles to go before I sleep, have lots of challenges ahead of me. I have made decisions sometimes that might hurt my significant other, but truly I mean no harm. It is just something that I need to accomplish so that I could make peace with myself. I mean no harm really.

Revenge is not my aim. I believe in Karma. If I was scared that bad things will befall upon me, I wouldn't dare to even venture into it. Whatever I did was to stir clear of my guilty conscience that I've had for almost a decade, that is all. I mean no harm. Still, I do not call myself the innocent one here for I have my faults too.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dr. Tranquility,

Yes, it is hard, but I'll stay strong. Know what, the blood oozing from my feet due to this journey on such thorny path reminds me that I am still alive, I am truly blessed.

Good to see ya again, sir.

Spices of Life said...

It is me again. Why when a woman is independant a man has his interests again? as said by ms anon who is married to an arab man. Im as same as you Ida, I speak my mind and I am not patient but i tolerate at all times. I believe in karma. I also believe that we must be ourself and not pretentious. In a relationship it takes two to do the west coast swing.. If you know the dance laa. So no one is at fault but dont let ego be the king.

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Hi Ms Ida,

If u don’t mind me, giving my 2 cents, coming from a man perspective.

So long as hubby has not raised a finger or voice against u, or gone on a breaking stuff tantrum, shows that he still cares. All marriages have its ups & downs, like u said, nothing’s perfect. Men just like women do have sensitive feelings too behind that ‘macho’ fa├žade that they put on.

The silent treatment is just his way of seeking more attention from u and at the same time his way of letting u ‘sweat’ for a while so that he can have an upper hand when it comes to other possible bargaining concessions in future like buying that fancy car that he’s been dreaming of (the one that u had said no to b4). Yes we r sneaky too :).

Men too like women, also need time off occasionally from their partners to do ‘guys’ stuff too like going fishing, talk politics + do other childish pranks; same just like u women enjoy having your girlie nite out to talk about fashions, cooking recipes, Oprah type of stories if u know what I mean. So on occasions do allow him the freedom to do such, they (men) call it ‘to invigorate’ their soul so that they can be better men to their love ones.

My remedial advice before u want to break the ice, let him ‘sweat it out for a couple more days (by showing u couldn’t care less about his attitude). Then out of the blue, u go & spoil him by cooking his favourite dish & have a romantic dinner together (leave the kids at the In-Laws place).

Good luck, marriage is one institution that’s worth saving. I should know after having been stuck in it for 34 years :(

Tommy.

Anonymous said...

Like he said in Profumo di donna (scent of a Woman):
"Oh, uh, Charlie - about your little problem - there are two kinds of people in this world: those who stand up and face the music, and those who run for cover. Cover is better."

Perk up Sis, dust yourself and just start over!

- Fitzcarraldo

jaflam said...

Hai Ida,
Hope by now your problem has gone..... but then that life problem come n goes.

Sometimes I did the same things when did not approve what my wife did.... instead of arguing or berleter I just keep quiet. But then we understand each other now.... at better time we talk about it rationally and compromised accordingly. After all both of us are far from perfect ... the only consolation is that we are striving towards it.

All the best and take care ya.

ailininstockholm said...

wow. you could not have said it any better.

Anonymous said...

hi, i got back in...i got back in..

the first thing i did was to come here to show our rao solidarity....hahha

silence treatment huh? let him be la, he needs time to recollect his ego, am sure he will come back to you.just make sure masak lauk2 yang sodap-sodap for dinner.

R