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Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Road Not Taken..again!

I appreciate the space given to me by my loved ones..But now I feel guilty. I feel that my kids do not share the values that I conceive. They are more like my maid. My eldest daugther, especially. Sarah tends to speak like the maid, starts to have interest in trashy Indon soap operas (oh puhleas!), dresses up like her and even talks back to me! I am hurt and so damn worried. Have I been neglecting her?

Yes, I have more time with my hubby, but what about the kids? Goodness...I feel like a stranger here..everybody speak Sabahan dialect here (hubby and maid are Sabahans) but when they are talking to me, why do they have to switch to 'bahasa Semenanjung'. Even I tend to use Sabahan terms in my daily conversation..OMG!

I am in this dilemma again. I think I wanna quit working. I want to concerntrate on my family's well being. God sent me here to this world to be the strength of this family. How am I to play my role if I am giving my all for my career? I am so tired of jugggling things here. I know I can go far in my career, but what about my kids? Yes, it is true that I have given life to 4 kids and that ain't easy..but what have I done to make them respectable humans (kemenjadian)?

I am giving my best to teach other people's kids but are others doing their best to teach mine? I do not think I could see any satisfactory results. I am thinking of quiting my work and get my kids out of this weakening education system. It is so unfair if kids are given merit based on their academic performance..how many A's the kid gets. What about their inherent talents? It is such a waste if one's talents are not polished. It is like being in total denial to God's gift. Not appreciating God's generosity confered upon you.

I am planning to homeschool my kids..Sarah and Adam needs help. I know I have to discipline myself so that they won't be wasted. My hubby has no objections. He thinks it is a good idea. But he is doubtful of my patience being a homemaker. He knows that if I stay at home, I'll go bonkers, and he'll be the 'canvas' for me to throw splashes of red anger due to total boredom. Evil me. Poor guy.

I really have to decide now as the year is coming to an end. Money, according to my hubby is not an issue. But I know I cannot go on a shopping spree like there is no tomorrow. Yes, I can still buy nice stuff, but purchasing them will be subjected to his approval. This is because he will be the Exchequer to the family. Hmm..can I tolerate this?

Let me just study this notion strand by strand. It needs careful planning. I love my kids and I am not happy with the status quo. I want my kids to have my values, not of others'. I do not want to pass the burden of educating my kids to others. Anyway, I believe having them is not a burden, rather a duty that I, as a responsible mother have to shoulder.

This will be the road less taken by others. The hell with others anyway. They are not the ones answerable to God when asked about the well-being of my kids. I know I can do lots of things at home. I still generate income from home...

Don't know why..but I believe God has given me so many signs to the path that I should take. Someone used to give me some sort of a decision making formula, but too bad I've lost it. I believe it has got something to do with maths..gee I hate maths. Well, I have to make a wise decision soon...God please help me!


Lyana Mauseth said...

My dear Ida, well, I am happy that u see the important role as a mother..bkn senang nak besarkan ank2..u see la i, full time 24-7 dgn my kids..i monitor them all the time..tired ida...and trust me there is no room for boredom...dr pagi smp ptg, x habis2...i agree with u that our kids should have our values..not the maid (if they have good values, it is ok then but what if they don't?)

Yusuf selalu kata kat i, being a mother is the most important job and the most difficult one in the world...imagine our kids growing up, kalau kita x peduli apa dia buat and all, habis la future bdk2 tu...

there are more and more mothers decide to be home with their children because of the reasons you mentioned. Tgk la bdk2 zaman skrg mcmana..semuanya mcm desperate nak attention..sbb x dpt kat umah, depa cr kat luar..tu la bohsia la, rempit la..mcm2...

money is the thing that full time mother xde hehe...have to sacrifice la nak joli joli katak ni...but kkdg boleh je demand skit dr the other half kan hehe...anyway ida...think wisely...u can also do tuition back home when the kids have actvities at school or u can be PA to sensei and expand the class :D

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Lyana,

Thanx for giving me some things to ponder upon..I am an idealist, sometimes..I want the best for my family, especially my kids.

I pernah dok umah masa amik unpaid leave dulu..best jugak. But there was a point when I felt so bored at home, buat benda yang sama je..then I took up yoga and started going to the gym. Lepas tu kept myself busy and membuang masa online. Now dah busy sangat ngan keje..I rasa tak best lah Lyana.

I believe u have more things to do at home..I hope our new place will give us new outlook about life.

Yes, I can take that very drastic move of quiting my job, but what baout my parents? My mom ni very susah nak convince her..Hari tu I tak pegi interview PTD pun dia tak cakap ngan I almost one week. Dengan parents ni delicate sikit le Lyana.

I really salute you, darling. Yusuf is one lucky man. Memang if dah quit nanti income dah tak de tension jugak, but to think of it, does it really worth the time and energy I spent at my work place. I feel as if I am shirking away my duty as a mother and wife.

I really have to consider think idea carefully. But the truth is that I've no heart for my career.

I can still remember our dear Prof. Kopanski. How he I used to disagree with him when he said mothers ought to stay at home. He was right.

A woman should be the strongest pillar for her family. Leave the men to provide food and shelter. A woman makes a home. Home is where the heart is. This is the toughest task that God has given to us.

I live only once, I do not want to regret not spending much time with my family sebab leka kejar kekayaan dunia..tapi tak kaya mana pun!

Lyana Mauseth said...

I pun x p interview PTD dulu..dah la dapat buat KPLI pun i x pi..my dad mmg disappointed la time tu..my mom pun..telinga i dgn hati jantung i ni kkdg pedih jgk bila dgr sedara semua dok kata buang masa je belajar tinggi2 tp dok umah, xde hasil...i told them, as a muslim, belajar tu wajib..at least i ada la otak nak ajar ank2 i nnt..but kesian to my parents jgk la sbb org selalu tanya i keja apa...tensen betul..lantak le i keja ke tak, yg depa tu paduli apa, betul tak? org2 ni kkdg mmg membuatkan kita makn hati...my parents skrg can see the results of me being a stay home mom..even my mom pernah ckp yg dia regret for not spending much time with us when we were smaller...keja kan...

u rasa i ni x betul ke sbb i tak percaya org jaga ank2 i? i just blh tinggal ank2 i kat my mom and my sisters je...seriously, lepas odin kena so called kidnapped dulu tu, i mmg serik dan takut.

and yusuf said, masa ank2 kecik ni la kita nak spend time dgn depa..once depa dah masuk teenage life..then they start to fly away from us..then masa tu we cannot do anything anymore sbb they all dah besar...eii i cannot imagine the day my kids move out on their own..here they move out when they are 16!!

tp ida..benda ni terpulang kpd individu tu sendiri..kalau ppuan x keja susah jgk..what if anything happen to our husbands? what if they jumpa ppuan lain and then tinggalkan kita? what to do kalau x keja? takut jugak bila pikir...

so u jgn stress,discuss dgn sensei..if he is ok with it, u can decide what to do...seriously, i really hope i can do something from home that generates income...but what? haha kita ni online memanjang but don't know how to make benefits out of it haha..maybe we should attend irfan khairi talk on internet business...

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

If sensei jumpa pompuan lain..i will 'bobbit' him biaq semua tak dapat..hehehehe..

Betoi jugak apa u cakap..my mom selalu cakap if anything happens la..laki lari la..itu la, ini la..kekadang if banyak sgt cakap mcm tu dah mcm doa pulak. But the truth is, I pun ada terfikir pasal tu, but I malas le nak meng'paranoid'kan diri i, nanti tak jadik keje..My mom always says that marriage is a gamble, and women are always on the losing side, betoi ke?

(U rasa hubby kita ada pikir tak benda-benda mcm tu pasal kita?)

This is similar to the case of perceiving whether the glass is half full or half empty. Dulu i selalu ingat yang bukan-bukan, pasal kot suzalie syok kat pompuan lain ke apa ke..but then I fikir, if he can cheat me, then dgn pompuan lain pun dia boleh kelentong jugak what.

But,alhamdulillah the sensei so far so good, kepala angin, gatai and nakai sikit tu biasa lah orang jantan..ye tak? Aku pun bukan kepalang nakainya jugak..kihkihkih..(dia tau i provoke je lebih, but sebenarnya tak berani!)

Hish ni dah menyimpang topik..well, i kena pikiaq betoi-betoi before i make the ultimate decision..u, jom kita set up business nak..i've an idea. :)

Lyana Mauseth said...

i don't think our husbands will cheat on us..xde pun tanda2 yg membawa kdp syak wasangka :)

idea apa? interesting ni...

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

hahahha..i hantaq email kat suzalie kononnya i pompuan lain, but guna email add i..hahahha. merapu..

the signs? i do not want to wait for the sign..hell, do i know the signs? Tak yah pikir kan..

lenzaidi said...

Not again Ida.

The road not taken is the road most likely to be taken now ;-)I know many wise women out there would think this is a wise thing to do if she is unselfish that is.

I thought you have made a decision , a wise one during your unpaid leave.If you come back after that leave without feeling guilty at work, this is it.I know there are things which did not go along with our wishes at work.Dont let that dampens your spirit.

Kids are kids no matter where you throw them, they will take up things fast.So im not surprise when Sarah and siblings tune to their maid language.Be mindful and arrest when the kids need to be taught a lesson.Which means juggling is not that at all bad.

Although staying at home to cater for your kids seem the right thing to do now since they are in dire, you as an individual too must have a schedule to suit your needs ie money for your goodself, your time for yourselves etc.

Let me give you my two cents on the 5Fs to happiness.These are 5 sources to one happiness
Family- You have beloved sensei,the foursome,your endearing parents

Friends- there goes a list...

Faith- you must

Freedom- to write, speak up and shop lol

Fullfillment-depends on what you want to achieve that matters to you.

Wheather you want to stay at home, so that you can homeschool your kids or work and juggle in between, the above must be taken into consideration.If you can attain the 5s i guess neither one of the plans would work well on you.

The road i took is not the road i planned to take.Gawd haven, how i juggled.
Cheers bah.

Lyana Mauseth said...

boleh ke kat msia kita homeschool ank2 kita? tp kesian jgk kalau homeschool bdk2 tu sbb nnt xde kwn, x reti nak berkawan dgn org...

well, satu lagi ida..org pandang full time mother/housewife ni sebagai pemalas (sbb x mau keluar bekerja, konon duduk umah senang, goyang kaki), xde pelajaran, bodoh sbb tu x de keja yg dia buleh apply...it really hurts u know when people pndg u semcm je...i usually say, they can go to hell but most of the time, i cry :((

life is not easy if u want to please everyone, at the end, u get hurt and no one cares..hopefully when it happens, u have ur kids to comfort u..I am lucky as my children have a very sensitive sensor, they sense it everytime I am sad or unhappy, usually Odin will come and give me a hug and says that it will be ok, don't be sad mama and i love u...wonder how a 4-year-old boy can say that...?? and emil usually follows what the brother does...that makes my arms full :D..then my day is bright again...

lenzaidi said...

Aiman Amani's weblog.

Lyana, please go to this blog, a 1 year old malaysian kid who can write adult's stuff but more on a general subject.The above is my friend's daughter who is homeschooled after failing to get admitted to a government primary school.I dont want to go further what happened that she was refused and parents decided to homeschool her.

Background is much to do with ISlamic religious school which was fostered by parents.All her siblings have their own blog and write quite well.She is i reckoned quite matured for her age.

The rest you take it from there.

lenzaidi said...

14 year old girl.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Hey darlings,

So sorry I've been rather busy lately. Anyway, so good to find that you guys still read my writings.

Tq Len, I'll visit Aiman's blog. As for now, I'm still considering to homeschool Sarah.

Hope i'll make a wise decision for the sake of my daughter's future.