33 going back 27

Please ignore the topless mermaid in the photo. I know you are wondering ( as I was too!) of her size..hahahahahaha..If one studies the history of the Perakian Sultanate, one would be able to find an answer to the question as to what the dickens was that topless creature doing there! But that is not the point here...

The little girl in that photo is me. I was just 4 years old..yeah know I looked senior than my age, that has always been my problem. I am 165cm and I am a big framed woman..hahahah (thanks to my greatgrand dad who was Dutch, I heard the women in his family are big size!). I cannot remember when this was taken as I never really care about taking photos. I don't really look good in them. (Well, not much difference if you saw me in person, though..I don't care).

Now, this one was taken when I was 6. You see here I was posing like a bride who was 'bersanding'. Being an innocent girl, I used to dream that one day, a handsome man would take me as his wife. On the wedding day, they will dress me up like a princess, my fingers crimsoned with henna and my face painted with my mother's make up ( she wouldn't mind as I was getting married).

The handsome guy who is my husband will be sitting next to me. Then, there will be my cousins as brides' maids, the tukang kipas and performances. When the reception ends, we would go back to our families and tomorrow I'll be married again to a different handsome guy as I am going to wear another outfit. So the 'bersanding' thing will go on and on until there is nothing else to wear...

But my main problem at that time was that my hair was not long enough for the hairdresser to bun it. Then one day I saw my grandma's hair extension..aha!

Hahah..I was 16 in this pic. At this age, I thought I should have been born a boy. But I was never involved in lesbianism or any other vices involving the same sex.

This photo was taken backstage after a play that I and another friend had directed for The Deputy Minister of Education's visit to our school. I was actively involved in debates, elocution, choir, arts and all but never sports. This is because I was very cautious of my physique. I was taller, wider, bigger perhaps heavier than most of my friends. I did not want to get involved in any forms of sports as I did not feel comfortable with my size...hahhaha..At that time sports bra was just sketches on paper!

Now you can see how the statue of the topless mermaid that I saw in Taiping Zoo when I was 4, had put a curse on me!

I was 23 when this was taken in Bukit Merah Lake Town Resort. This was my 'zaman kegemilangan'...hahahha. It was the era of turbulance and everything extreme. Lyana and Mimi were my Guiding Angels. I knew they had issues to solve too, but they were my shoulders to cry on..sob..sob..

There were many admirers, those who were sincere and insincere...but I never cared to take heed. I enjoyed the chasing game very much but some time I got hurt pretty badly. I never regretted but always took them as precious lessons. I never gave space for vengence, as I believed in Karma.

I will keep a watchful eye on my kids especially my daughters. Not good to partay (party) too much like mummy as it will exhaust everything.

Oh yes, I can still wear the blue kebaya that I had on in this pic...hehehehhe.

Picture taken on my engagement day in late 1999. Suzalie came into my life like an answer to my prayers. I never cared about guys like him. He was the total opposite of me, but we just click.

Our friends were so surprise to learn of our liasion, there were some busy body 'kakak angkats' of his who tried to change his mind. But he stood by me.

We have had such a tough time, but we held on to each other. Alhamdulillah...

Unlike the grand wedding reception that I had dreamt of when I was a little girl, ours was just a simple one. I decided not to 'bersanding' as I thought that was not necessary. We did sit on the 'chior baldu bertekad' though (being a true anak Perak, I am).

I was honoured to have my cousin, Roz Yanti, who was fighting of ovarian cancer as my bride's maid. We did not want to take so much time and effort for the wedding preparation as we knew that all of us in the family were keeping our fingers cross for Nyah Titi's health to be OK.

She passed away when I was in confinement after the birth of my daughter, Sarah. She was 27 when she died. I believe God sent her to us so that she could leave a legacy of her achievements in CBN, Chaltenham Ladies' College and Bristol University. I was told not to attend to her funeral due to my condition. I truly miss her.

The young man in this pic is my youngest brother, Haris. The kids in the pic are all mine. They look like Chinese, thus so different from me because my hubby is Sino-Kadazan.

Since today I am 33, I have decided to make some major changes in my life. I am eyeing for a greener pasture just next door.

Tomorrow, I will tender in my resignation letter after 5 years of service. I am not a superwoman to juggle my career and family. I do not want to juggle anymore as employment for me should be an option. I can still generate income from the comfort of my home.

I have consulted the Principal last week. It was when she asked me of the reasons of me quiting that I broke down in tears. I believe I have not been doing well as a mother. My kids are doing very badly in school, honestly. When I am suppose to struggle for my kids' future, I am devoting my whole for others'. The Principal said that it would be such a waste as I am a good teacher and that I have been entrusted with so many responsibilities in school. Yeah...I know I can deliver my duties well, but I do not think I have done anything good for my kids, yet.

Yes, I am very selfish with my time, energy and expertise. Sorry, I have to attend to my family first. Rezeki mana-mana pun ada, but kids don't grow on trees.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME..I AM 33 TODAY, BUT I FEEL 27!