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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Being Single

I am going to be very blunt about this, fed up of bidding around the bush trying to make a point but sadly no one understands me. I've been told so many times to COMPARTMENTALISE, WTH, am a woman. If my mind all fuzzy, be it. If I nag just a little too much, so what. If I'm been cranky, let me be, am not some Royal Highness Princess, so don't care if I show you my true colours. I ain't that ugly, you know.

So what have I been doing lately? A lot of stuff actually. But our highlight will be on my new marital status. Yes, I am divorced. And I am not proud of it, just feeling sick inside that I've to let it out. Bad girl, Ida.

Being a divorcee or let me loosely use the scandalous term here, JANDA, is a hellish experience, especially when your ex is being the whinning baby. Yea..yea...I complain, throw tantrums and have my mood swings, but I try not to bother others or make others feel shitty. Still I am not perfect.

Any plus points about being a divorcee? Yeah, few..one of it would be you get the bed all to yourself, but dang, I hate sleeping on stone cold bed all by myself. (Where's the strong manly arm to cushion my head?) So now the girls are taking charge (of the bed) and I sleep (on weekends) on my Yoga mat. The strain from 5 days of labouring wrestling with copies and kids and the stupid traffic jam, plus the snail pace Internet at work are draining out every drop of womanly goodness I have in me. I am whithering, very fast. God help me.

The kids? Coping pretty badly. Sarah, especially. She is sooo wanna be with her daddy in Sabah (yeah, the guy's got more moolah than I do, not to mention his easy going-hey-eat-and -sleep-in-front-of-the-TV attitude). I am rather rigid, or one dude used to dub me as 'frigid'. What does he know about frigidity? No sex makes a poor woman to turn cold? Hell no. (Checking). Am still OK and 'able'. Hahaha...stop visualising!

Where was I...oh the kids, the 2 boys have been unceremoniously taken away by the ex. I am too lazy to challenge his wish, let it be until the court decides. Oh dear the court...

I reckon hiring a legal assistant will definitely burn a hole in my pocket. What reckoning, it is a FACT. I tell ya, with the rate of people divorcing nowadays, the legal 'business' is surely a lucrative venture. Can you see your children's career path now? Kidding.

Coming back to the court thingy. Damn. I've not much to spare for legal pursue, but if I don't seek justice then I'll be damned. I just want my rights respected, hey, enslaved myself for 10 years plus, you know. Within that period, I popped out 4 kids, all I guess resemble him or his kins. But Adam has so much talents in music and arts (just like my Ayah)...he is good at sketching comic strips.

Pause. Change mode. Melancholic background music:

I trully miss my boys. Adam, I wonder what are you doing now. Since you've changed school, I wonder who stitches your school badges and nametags on your shirts? Who plastic wraps your books - wonder if you still keep the workbooks I bought for you when the semester reopened recently. I wonder if you still keep your Scout uniform- can you still identify your cap, scarf, belt and shirt? Remember I've stiched your initial "A" in red. Do you still have them boy? Adam, I am sorry that bapak terminated your piano lessons, I was furious because it was me who made the effort to find you proper lesson and it was Me who have been religiously paying for your fees. Remember, every Thursday night at 8.30-9.00pm mummy and your siblings used to hang around Ampang Point waiting for you? Do you remember the cafe just next to the Yamaha School that we used to have dinner before your class? I can still feel the joy of watching you enjoying your Nasi Lemak tak de sambal just lotsa nuts. Adam, you are my eldest boy...I love you so much. I wish you have a wonderful time there in Sabah, but please don't forget mummy here. Never forget your solat and mengaji, be prepared to offer me doa when I'm not around in this world. I am soooo proud of you, son. You are the most brilliant and patient Origami 'folder' I've ever known...junior category. I truly hope your new cowboy life in Sabah won't steal away such gifts you have. They are good folks in Sabah, your bapak too, sometimes... if the 'angin' is favourable. Oh yes, I still keep the ring you presented to me recently, but sorry today I forgot to put it on. I realised it when I was on my way to work...Sorry kid.

In similar mode, perhaps with most heart-wrenching background music:

Ben - my Ah Chai, why you look so Chinese? You are my baby boy, I miss you so badly. There's someone here who loves talking about you, he's been trying to make a pact with mumy to take you away with him, with a promise of unconditional love and attention and everything nice, but hell no he is gonna get you. No way jose. But that's not my point here. Ben, I still sleep with your red and orange toy cars. I sniff your shirts almost every night. I talk to your photo. I've one at the office (Oh dear, now I feel so bad living it in the darkness of my office). I love that pic, Uncle W thinks you look pretty much like bapak, minus the goggles, but I don't think so. I'll fight to get you back, Ben. I miss you too much. Please put on your shoes when you are playing outside and never ever go near the muddy pond in Atuk's backyard. And please, don't bother them chickens, OK. Oh yes, beware of them stray dogs that always come avisit. How I wish to keep an eye on you, darling....:-(

Ahhh... let's go back to our conversation just now, oh yes, being divorce. What's the big deal when there's an average of 39 cases per month, just at that particular court in Kajang? Wonder what is the world gonna be? Scary. Hence, fearful of falling in love again. But I don't intend to celebate foreva, nak mati?

I am exhausted, someone told me to go to sleep, Yup, he is damn right. To sleep I will go now. Tomorrow is another wonderful day. Oh yes, changed my relationship status on FB today, yes call me dumb, but am so fed up of people associating me with the ex. I am not his little wifey anymore, yes we looked perfect together, but that's just the surface. I know I loved him, devoted to him for at least 6 years until I saw the signs. Them signs were pretty heartbreaking ones. But I am not going to discuss about that tonite...am tired.

I need to sleep and dream of my kids....with Mr. X? Hey, get outta my dream, get into my life, dude! Nite nite...


mamasita said...

Ida..as I moved along reading your writings,my tears slowly welled up and I finally swallowed them in my throat..

I love you little sis..we can strive through all these obstacles and stigmas..InsyaAllah.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Kak Huda...your guts inspire me. Tq for being a great shoulder to cry on. I sincerely wish u and the kids well. Dalam redha kita berjuang, kak.

I love you too!

Memorable trails... said...

Salam Ida..
What can I say..but I guess u know best.Hope u re coping well with this new situation.
Almost shed a tear or two when u mention about your boys ,missing them n not being able to see to their needs..I know the worries.Kekadang terlalu rindu (my boy in hostel) I wear his t shirt u know.It s crazy but that s what I did..
All d best n thru time u ll recover..

Shahieda said...

My dear Ida,

I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. It will get easier, I promise.

Children never forget what mothers go through for them... know that your boys are constantly thinking of you too!

I pray that Allah make things easier for you and your little ones Insha-Allah!

*big, big hugs*

Anonymous said...

Hi Ida.. I can't say much. Just be strong okay?


Uncle Lee said...

Hello Ida, regret to read of your circumstances. I guess sometimes life does have its unhappy situations.
And I feel for you, your feelings, your thoughts of your sons....of life and I'm sure of the 'why me'.

Ida....life has taken away the rainbow, but life goes on.... cry a river if you must, build a bridge and cross over.

We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy, because we have known sadness.

I am sure a lady like you, your warmth, your sincerity
will again find true happiness, not today, but tomorrow.
And he will not make you cry....but smile.
You stay easy.....the sun will come out tomorrow.
Best regards, Lee.

Mimi said...

Dearest Ida..i know u're one strong lady..
..only a mother know what it feels like to have your babies taken away from you...gosh, i'm starting to cry again...

be strong my dear friend...call me if u need a shoulder to cry on..

Anonymous said...

My dearest Musang,
I feel for you.
Be strong and know that Curry here will always be around, my phone on is 24/7 + im just a phone call away.
I pray that the boys will be back with you soon so that the kids will all grow up together.
Be strong, my dear Musang.
You always have and Im sure you will pull through these dark clouds and emerge victorious.


Anonymous said...

Ida, Doa yang banyak2, buat sembahyang hajat supaya lembut hati ex you nak return your sons to you. I know it is easier said than done but if I may suggest this, buat lah seperti it is a matter of life and death. Doa Ibu dan orang yang teranaiya itu insyAllah di makbulkan.

edelweiss said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
edelweiss said...


i know u are one brave lady sis...insyallah u'll get back ur precious ones.

take care dear

Kama At-Tarawis said...

Have no fear, for HE watches over you always... :D

Kak Teh said...

Ida, I am sorry but its not the end of the world. Be strong. Have not been blog hopping lately, thus this late comment. Take care - kak teh

Uncle Lee said...

Hi Ida, just dropped by say hello.
How you doin'? Here's hoping you in the best of health.
You just stay easy, stay young and keep a song in your heart.
Bestr egards.

Dibiee said...

I know how it feels at the beginning. Been there nearly 5 years ago..

& now.. happy with whatever comes in.. REDHA.. Allah sentiasa bersamamu..

Anonymous said...

We need to break ourself first, before we can build the newer & stronger version of us.

I know. Been through the same road.

hobbit1964 said...

It has been nigh a more than a year since I last visited your pages.
Yes, I have been busy exorcising my own demons, and truth be told, the worst of the devilspawn reside in my previous place of work!!
Sorry that the latest changes of life have laden your shoulders all solo mode. However, I do know you have balls enough to compensate for the losses and plough ahead whatever is tossed upon your fields.
You will build, Ida, a house made of the stones that adversity throws at you.
You can be sure of that much, as am I.

Leyzadanyal said...

Ida, be strong dik.. I will pray for ur happiness. Is Adam not with u? O God,pity u... remember, Allah is always listen 2 u.

Anonymous said...

be strong and let it pass. anyone will suffer it, so be strong is way out

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Anonymous said...

Its sad that both of you had separated.both of you really look nice as a couple.I pray that both of you could put your differences and reconcile.both have to put their egos aside and work together for a better future as a family with your four beautiful kids. life has its UPS and downs no doubt about it, the challenges are there to make you both strong.I hope the both of you look deep into your hearts and rekindle the love you once profess for each other. Insyaallah things will work out for your family.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

dear all,

please forgive me for i've been trying to collect my guts to visit this space again. Indeed, this blog holds many fond memories of the happier days with my family.

tq so much for the kind words, i'm nothing if i was on my own battling this. I seek refuge in Allah the Almighty, found inner peace under His mercy.

Everyday i pray for my estranged kids, now none of them with me, all taken away by the ex. I was angry, initially but then to see that they are happy together, i know i've to give in. I never give them up, but i back off to stir clear of the mess. Allah listens to my prayers everyday, night and day.

Yes, the ex and i made a beautiful couple, saw them pictures we shot together..:-). I am truly blessed for i've been loved before and i shared my life with a wonderful man. But things turned out sour, thought i could save it but i couldn't stop the anger when it became too overwhelming for my womanly emotions to handle. But I am thankful it wasn't i who charted this path.

i am trying my very best to change, i know my flawed self sometimes is simply intolerable. How i wish i could be that demure and 'obedient' wife he had always wanted. But then, i appreciate the person God has fashioned me into, hence rebuilding my life as my true self.

Selamat Hari raya to you all..you do not have to go through what i've gone through...it is painful.