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Friday, July 10, 2009

The Divorce Letter

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good woman to you for 10 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk panties. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!


Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for 10 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.. I watch my shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork 10 years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica ..

But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not a problem.

Hi dear Friends, I know it has been a long time since I last updated my blog. I'll come back to share more stories with all of you very soon. Enjoy this one, I received it from Susan XYZ (a parent of one of my ex-students). Anyway, till we meet again..adios amigos. Ida


Desert Rose said...

Nangis seh minah tu sensorang kat Spain, dah la tak bleh berfungsi sebagai wanita, udah pakwe pun sama gak ngan dia, main laga2 and self service jelah di kala horny nok

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....DR, self service tu yg tak larat nak ingat tu...HAHAHAHAHAHAH...

Jeffrey Matisa said...

Oh bloody fiddlesticks!!!

These two should remain together forever because they exude to all the world that they truly, truly deserve each other.

I should nail the author for providing them a backdoor escape and spoiling their potential in making crappy soaps to outlast Desperate Housewives.

Zendra said...

Well she looks like a boy, and Carl's formerly a girl, so hmmm .... I cannot compute what kind of relationship that makes .... not boy-girl, not quite girl-girl, not quite boy-boy .... against the order of nature?

Mother's Heart said...

hahahahhahahahahhhahahahhahahahahahhaahahhahahhahahahahahahahha no comment! :)))))) He really won the Lottery :)))

Shahieda said...

LMAO!! Brilliant one Ida, keep them coming!! Laughter is the best medicine!! :)

mamasita said...

Kurang asem you Ida!
Title entry yang sensasi betul!!
What a comeback!!hehe

tireless mom said...

Welcome back Che'gu

No wonder I still call you Che' gu, you always teach new things for me to think. What if it happens to me yah? Sebab Carl pun boleh jadi Caroline, I wonder what if I am the ex husband and not the ex wife. Macam Beyonce kata lah if I were a boy. sorry... merapu pulak.

Cant wait to catch more of you again.

Kak Teh said...

ida, i received this some time ago but it still makes me laugh!

Kitchen Guardian said...

alamak, carl dulu caroline...ayo silk panty pun ungkit ka.......takut nih!

Kama said...

a good one ida! tu la, sometimes tak boleh act hastily. kan ker RUGIII.. hehehe

edelweiss said...

ida, welcome back.

sapa yang rugi???? hahahhaha dapat pulak tuh carl [caroline]...kekekke
pikiaq dulu sebelum bertindak!

QM said...

gile kelakar...

p/s I just came back from my parents and hari ni baru dapat baca

Lyana Mauseth said...

ppuan tu mesti tikam2 perut dia sendiri kan ida...padan muka dia haha

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Hi Major Jeffrey,

U really think these fellas are meant for each other? Hmmm..

I think the hubby was just plain selfish la, wasn't he excited about his win of the lottery? What kind of a hubby who would keep a good news from his wife? Perhaps he was up to something himself..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Zendra,

They ARE many things going against the laws of Nature. For instance, my daughter who was too, distraught by Michael Jackson's sudden death, sudden became frustrated when she saw his latest pic. Sarah said, "Mummy kenapa MJ tetiba jadi pompuan?"..hahahaha..itu macam mana nak jawab tu.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Mother's Heart..if you are out of words, just give it a good laugh..:)

Shahieda, a good medicine, that's what I really need now..:)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Datin Mama,

Asam saya dah terlebih dah ni, sebab dah lama berperam tak update blog. Elemen dalaman tak betul la..hahahaha. Anyway, glad that you've enjoyed reading it.

Jeffrey Matisa said...

Sometimes all you need to do is bite your tongue and hold your breath to stay the tumble into making an irretrievable idiot of yourself.

All I see in this pathetic pair and their letters are brats who had the good fortune of marrying each other instead of ruining the lives of some sweet man and woman unprepared for infants in adult bodies.

Any two people who take such delight in serving misery like this should remain together because one deserves the other as surely as they are underserving of anyone better than themselves.

The world can be spared a load of rubbish, and the literate sphere spared texts unworthy of print, should slime sodden twits like these be sentenced to life with their mirror images.

Hi. I'm Zendra said...

Dear Ida, poor Sarah, I can't blame her for not understanding MJ. Who did anyway?

Major! Hear, hear - I'm with you on that.

Tranquility said...

That's a one wicked story Ida.
As usual - a twisted ending.

Thanx for sharing!

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Major,

I personally have done a number of tongue biting bit, in order to maintain the status quo..haiya, not easy la!

Dear Zendra,

Now listening to MJ's Dangerous album (bought it yesterday).

Dear Dr. Tranquility,

Wicked, ah? Glad u enjoyed it..:)