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Monday, April 20, 2009

Mama: Life is a Gamble

I have sinned to my mother. She has told me so. But I wish I knew how have I caused this wrath in her. Have I been an unworthy child to her? Have I been ungreatful?
____________________

Dear mama,

Tell me please, what have I done you wrong, now?


Yes, I have taken this path of life, but not before I have weighed up the consequences. Mama, I know I have been reckless with my life before, I have committed careless mistakes that have caused so much pain in you. Please forgive me for not being able to pour out my heart to you.

I love you, mama, I really do, but I was unable to gather enough strength to face you, for I do not believe that I could swallow the bitterness of your words, in response to my foolishness.

I aim to fly high, mama. I know you want me to. But mama, I do not long to travel in the path you have taken, even though it ensures smooth sailing, recognition and victory. Those are your goals, not mine.

You once said, "life, especially marriage, is a gamble", yes, I would love to believe in that, but I just cannot. You have reminded me too, that one should always prepare for the worst. Yes, I am preparing now, but not for the worst. If it is true, "life is a gamble", then why must we strive for the best? Why must we have faith in God and pray that He would bless us with His Guidance? The way I see it, life is not a matter of rolling the dice, that we are made unable to control our destiny. We are losing the game if we ever let the dice to decide on our next move.

Mama, I have a reason to live on now. I am no longer that lonely, aimless and reckless daugther of yours. Give me a chance to prove to myself that I am worthy too, just like the other girls who you think I should examplify. The truth is that I have tried to be like them, but I just could not go on, for I shall not allow myself clowning around in other people's clothes anymore.

No, I have never discounted you from my life. You have permitted me to decide, so I have decided. Yes, you may share your fears with me, but I shall not allow that to cloud my visions for my life.

We have only ONE chance to live this life. I have decided to live it to the fullest. I will stumble and fall, and scrape my knees and all, but I shall rise and charge towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not afraid. Why should I? When I have enough love and courage to fuel my journey. This is the love and courage that you have sown within me, since I was young. I thank you for that.

As for now, mama, have trust in me, your only daugther.

31 comments:

pak said...

Komen Pak Malim, kucing ray yg alim.

Ida, kenapa Ida rasa begitu? Mak Ida marah ke, kata ungka. Saya tak faham, kata Pak Malim sambil menjual saham.

Oh, lupa nak bagi tau, kata Pak Malim sambil naik perahu. Pak Malim pun ada gmail.

pak.malim@gmail.com

Naz said...

Ida,
I have been through this myself. As much as we like to think that it is tough for us, it is also tough for them to see us diverting from the path that they would consider safe and secure for us, their children. Insyaallah! in time, as they see you managing your life and succeeding at it too, they will feel OK again. It takes time but I know you'll make it happen :)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Salam Pak Malim, kucing ray yang alim,

Ya, mama marah, katanya saya tak consult dia dulu, kata Ida sambil makan bahulu. Tapi sebelum saya hantar resignation letter, saya ada bagitau dia, and dia kata, "up to you", jelas Ida sambil memegang kayu.

Saya bukan saja suka-suka buat keputusan macam ni, kata Ida dengan berani. Semenjak tahun lepas saya dah canangkan intention saya ini, saya bukan suka complain tapi tak berani ambil tindakan, tegas Ida sambil mengoreng ikan (untuk Pak Malim makan):)

ray said...

Komen Pak Malim, kucing ray yg alim.

Oooop, Ida, saya datang lagi, kata Pak Malim sambil menggosok gigi. Saya dengar, Ida ada goreng ikan, utk saya. Saya rasa amat gembira, kata Pak Malim sambil memeluk kera.

Saya fikir, mak Ida, hanya mahukan yg terbaik untuk anda, kata panda. Saya pasti, selepas ini, mak Ida tak marah, kata Pak Malim yg cedera parah. Mungkin mak Ida, rasa kecil hati, tentang langkah kerjaya yg Ida buat, kata Pak Malim yg kentutnya kuat. Sori, sori, kata Pak Malim sambil sembunyi di balik lori. Lepas ni, pasti kasih ibu dan anak, akan bertaut kembali, kata Pak Malim sambil memegang ikan keli.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Kak Naz,

Tq for understanding. I know she has her worries. I understand this is because she loves me, but she needs to have trust in me. I am no longer that selfish young woman who takes her life so lightly. I am doing this for the interest of my family.

One may call me a fool for giving up my right to a career, but what about the rights of my kids to have me as their mom? It is not that I will because 'dormant' after I quit, I have lots of things to do, all these I have planned out very carefully.

I believe in time, she would see life like how I am seeing it..I am definitely not the typical "saya yang menurut perintah" type.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MrsNordin said...

It's ok, mothers are like that. She worries that bila you tak ada kerja, nanti susah. Kalau husband buat hal, lagi you susah, those sort of things.

But if you think you're doing the right thing, so be it. She will understand eventually.

Mimi said...

every mom nak yg terbaik utk anaknya..tapi yg terbaik itu x semestinya terbaik utk kita..

marah seorang ibu tu sementara je...hati org tua...nnt lembut jugak..jgn sedih2 tau Ida..u take care..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear MrsN,

I understand her. Spoke to my dad on the phone just now, I am blessed that he believes in me. He always does.

I will do it for my ayah who has never failed to give me wings to sore high in the sky.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Mimi,

I boleh bayangkan muka u and the intonation of your voice as u say this to me. I really miss having u and lyana around. U were there by my side when I made a fool of myself, tq dear friend.

I have the support from my ayah, though depan my mom dia tak berani comment, takut nanti this thing would escalate.

Life for me must go on..take care, darling.

Anonymous said...

hi,

finally you wrote something about your relations with your mum. i think it is well written and how i wish your mum would read this piece..how your feel towards her. my two cents for both of you, let bygone be bygone. perhaps as your mum is allready retired from the foreign service and you are no longer a teacher, there is plenty of time now to catch up all of those lost moments. i don't think it would happen overnight, so have patience. i am sure things will work out..all the best

r

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear R,

Spoke to my ayah just now, jokingly, he said this has got something to do with my mom being Rawa, so keras hati and opinionated sikit..(sama la mcm I), only that I am a dilluted Rawa already!)

I now, the only way to please her is by proving to her that I can do it..I shall not point out her mistakes in not having faith in me. She is just being a mother, it is natural that she frets for her only daughter.

Tq for dropping by.

edelweiss said...

Ida,

been there, done that [it was in different circumstances tho ]......

Nanti-nanti , ur mom will be okay lah tuh...

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Edelweiss,

Tq for dropping by. Timasih juga keran faham mcm mana i rasa..hope it won't be too late for her to see things through..

Have a pleasant day ahead, dear

SkyJuice said...

I feel for you, Ida. I'm closer to my dad because he has more faith in me than my mum.

"Those are your goals, not mine." Those words rang a bell, for that was how I felt. Being the eldest, I've always had to sacrifice for my younger siblings since young. Enough is enough. I believe I'm still an obedient child, but am no longer a conforming one. I've decided to lead my life the way I want to and put my own happiness above anyone else's.

All the best! *hugs*

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Miss Skyjuice,

I am glad that u've gathered ur courage to make a difference. Sometimes, it is tough to live up to our parents' expectations..i guess, normally our fathers will mellow down a bit on their daugthers..we need that to move on with life..

U have a productive week ahead, dear

Puteri's territory said...

Ida,
been a silent reader of your blog. But I just have to respond to this.
What I can tell you is, althougth I'm married and a mother of 5, my mom still believes I'm her little girl. I will never live up to her expectation. She's a great mom and I'll always be her useless daughter. She thinks I'm not a good mother to my children, not a good wife to my hubby,I give face (ada such word ke?) to my maid. Since I'm still living under the same roof with her, I'm used to her bickering but it hurts everytime definitely but there's just no point arguing, we'll just never win. Nonetheless, I love her to bits nothing beats a mom's love.
She's worried and she's concerned because she loves us too much. It's better to have a mom that cares than a mom that doesn't give a hoot about the well-being of her children.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Puteri,

Tq for sharing your views here. I can feel you too. It is dreadful to have someone who constantly pulls ur morals downs. Indeed, they worry because they love...but I wonder if it is possible to love without worrying or perhaps without having prejudice?

I used to fret about life. I grumbled and was constantly visualising the negativity of life. Then I got tired of it. I felt stupid and defeated by my own doings. Thus, I started to have another perspective about life, how it is wonderful if only we could learn to love and trust ourselves..

U hang on there, Puteri and I will do likewise. Just hope we would have faith in our children later when they decide to leave the nest.

Have a great week.

Tranquility said...

Stay afloat when u found yourself in the dark blue sea. Just stay afloat.

Uncle Lee said...

Hi Ida, love your beautiful eloquence.
Hmmm, reading it reminds me of that movie, 'Rebel without a cause'. But you have your aims in life.

Live your life as you want to Ida....no excuses, no regrets.
Live your life there's no tomorrow.
And when tomorrow comes, you will know you have had your yesterdays.

Stay easy and keep well, best regards, Lee.

Queen Mother said...

Ida

Been there...done that. I know how you feel.

I am the only daughter and the least favourable ONCE...but alhamdulillah things have changed

Ida Hariati Hashim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Lee,

I may have the eloquence in writing this to her, but in her presence, I just could not convey my true feelings. I am just scared Lee, that whatever I say might hurt her, as I know how this would escalate to something dreadful.

I wish to keep silence, though I am deeply hurt. I just want to move on with my life.

Have a great day ahead..Au revoir monsieur.

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Faye,

I know u could feel me. You too have taken a bona fide step by deciding to be a SAHM.

I pray that you will be blessed with the patience and wisdom to face the challenges ahead..:)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Dr..

Welcome home, though here is not where your heart dwells (you'll be fine, dear).

I am staying afloat, for the sake of my kids, I HAVE to stay afloat be it how choppy the ocean may be.

Kitchen Guardian said...

Ida,

Every mom goes through this, that's because they want the best for their children. I hv doine the same to my mom, but over time wt her blessings, she understands....I know I will going through the same like what my mom felt with my kids, tak payah tunggu nanti, now pun, it is happening....best if to lend support and understand! I konw you can do it dear!

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Kak Yani,

Tq so much..all the best to u too, sis..:)

Dalam Dakapan Ibu said...

Dear Ida,
It's a big step to be a SAHM and I salute you for being able to accomplish doing what your heart desires. I’m very sure that you’ve thought about this a whole lot and you believe in yourself that you can survive come what may. Thus the decision to leave your profession. You’re such a strong lady, Ida.

It’s only natural for a mother to have this fear of the uncertainties for her children and in your case the What-Ifs. Prove it to her that you walk the talk. I do hope she’ll accept the fact that her baby girl can speak for herself and can make big decisions like this, eventually.

Good Luck dear in your new ventures. May all the good things come your way :)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Ibu,

I am glad to have u here. Indeed, I have to be strong for the sake of my family, who else can they rely on but on me?

I pray that we women will have the patience and perseverance in embracing the challenges ahead of us. God did not create us in vain.

Fairy said...

'Sekeras-keras kerak nasi,
kalau kena air lembut jugaaaaa..... "
tak gitu Kada... :)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear Fairy,

U tau ur MIL mcm mana kan..:)