How now brown cow?

Here comes the most confused woman in blosphere!

Yes, I have been away for a long long time. I would love to blame time for being too short, inadequate to
cater to my very busy lifestyle. I am tempted to find a scapegoat to put the blame on for making my days shorter. No, I do not wish for more arms to juggle my duties, but I wish I could have something to help me to compartmentalise my muddled mind, something effective that works like simple colourful dividers for an ABA ring file.

Here comes January again. Here comes the self inflicted dilemma again. Exactly last year today, I've experienced this "Mummy Wanna Stay at Home and Be with the Family" kinda sickness. Don't know if I ever should call it a sickness.

So Ida, what are you up to now? Work.

You love it? Yes.

Why do you love it? Am in no mood to elaborate, just the tone in my affirmative answer should explain my feeling.

You want to keep it? Well, it is January. You know what kind of a confused state of mind I am in now.

How does Suzalie coping with this? Entah. I know he is not enjoying the ride.

What about the kids? They want me home. But if am home for too long, I'll become more difficult to deal with, but when I am working, I become too hooked on it. So how now brown cow?

I have new opportunities smiling at me, but I ain't looking at them yet. YET. Where got time, ma. The same excuse.

Just now someone suggested that I should lose 10 pounds. 10 pounds? I know I should lose 15! Hell, I am not doing yoga or pilates or bell dancing anymore. Why? No time.

But love what I am doing now. Wish I could find a simple way to do it effectively, without slaughtering my precious time with the family. What is it that I want to achieve in life? I know I can go miles and miles and miles and not look back. But am I doing the right thing? It is worth the sacrifice?

I want to build a legacy, carve my name on the stone of high achievers, but it is a bit too late for me now? Shouldn't I be concentrating on building my kids' future, to have a hands on experience experimenting on what is right for them?

I ain't using the kids to shield my inability to cope with life, but I do not want to lose something precious to me. I need help to find my way through. I want to know if it is the right thing to do. How do you know it is the right thing to do? How can you tell you are doing it right?

Today, someone told me that I should cease to be a thinker. He said I should just F it. F it and move on. I wish it could be that easy.

When exactly a year ago I have made a decision in favour of my loved ones, now it has come to the point where I have to make that decision again. The difference is that the one I had then was turning sour, but the one in the present is so sweet to abandon. I would love to stay on, but frankly I hate to neglect the kids and my man. And yes, the money I am making, alhamdulillah, is good. That is the problem when you are spoilt by choices to make. Sigh...

I am still at work, it is already late. It breaks my heart to visualise the family having dinner without me. I hope they do not miss me even though I miss them really badly. Am I doing the right thing? Can someone please tell me...

I am Not Afraid to Cry

Sob..sob..I was moved to tears when reciting my do'a this evening. It has been such a long time since the last time I gave myself a good cry. Honestly speaking, the last time I did was on that fateful night when Allah decided to teach me a good lesson. He has taught me how I ought to learn to be faithful and thankful to the one who has sacrificed his past, future and present for me.
I was just being selfish, did not know what I was looking for. I kept telling others to let go of the past, but in reality I was the one who was holding on to it. This has its repercussions, of which bitterness I am learning to swallow. It ended rather abruptly, but I am facing it like any other woman should do..cry, when there is a need to.

My absence from this little space I proudly call 'my scented blog' (hahaha) is, I hope I will be forgiven, intentional. I have been abstaining myself from scribbling down my thoughts for I fear that words would fail to describe the contents of my heart. I have been away from my fellow bloggers, yes, I truly miss all of you, please do not chuck me out from your hearts.

As to why the waterworks today?

I was just very happy. I am blessed. I did not know how to respond to such warmness I felt within me, so I cried. I could not contain my emotions so it just overflowed. I was alone in the surau (prayer room) for the Zohor prayers right after lunch today, I just felt that God has given me so much even though I have not been greateful for His generosity. So I cried.

I know I should have shared this with you earlier, but dear friends, I have found myself a new job, or rather, I must confess, it found me. It happened so quickly that even till now I have to pinch myself just to make sure that I am not dreaming. I must thank a friend who has given me the chance to explore this field. It has been more than a month already and I believe I am learning fast, hence loving the job.

If you are wondering what I am up to now. I am a copywriter. Surpringly, I write copies for English and Malay. So you can imagine the magnitude of the task I am shouldering. Indeed, the deadlines are pressing, but I am coping well. Yes, I have to work extra hours, but so far so good. Hubby has been very supportive even though there were times when he grumbled, but of course I have to play my cards right. I still cook for the family for I know hubby loathes eating out.

Whenever I am home late and start apologizing, he would ask me if I was happy with what I am doing now. Of course I would say 'yes', and he would smile.

That is why I am blessed.

At the same time today, just before prayers, I thought of my parents. I am very happy for them for they are performing their Hajj this year. Alhamdulillah, mama and ayah are lucky for they managed to get clearance for the trip effortlessly. I envy them actually, as I too, am longing to prostrate before the Ka'abah. God willing, I will perform my Umrah soon.

At work, I am surrounded by talented people who have no fear in using the nastiest terms to describe their emotions, but I know they mean no harm. They are just trying to be emotionally fit to survive. I am a cry baby, but I am learning too, luckily so far none of them have heard me cursing anything that walks the earth. I prefer to do my left and right cursing within me, but would be happily doing my boo hooing on your shoulders. Why? I do not know.

When the feeling is simply undescribable, I would just cry.

Mama: Life is a Gamble

I have sinned to my mother. She has told me so. But I wish I knew how have I caused this wrath in her. Have I been an unworthy child to her? Have I been ungreatful?
____________________

Dear mama,

Tell me please, what have I done you wrong, now?

Yes, I have taken this path of life, but not before I have weighed up the consequences. Mama, I know I have been reckless with my life before, I have committed careless mistakes that have caused so much pain in you. Please forgive me for not being able to pour out my heart to you.

I love you, mama, I really do, but I was unable to gather enough strength to face you, for I do not believe that I could swallow the bitterness of your words, in response to my foolishness.

I aim to fly high, mama. I know you want me to. But mama, I do not long to travel in the path you have taken, even though it ensures smooth sailing, recognition and victory. Those are your goals, not mine.

You once said, "life, especially marriage, is a gamble", yes, I would love to believe in that, but I just cannot. You have reminded me too, that one should always prepare for the worst. Yes, I am preparing now, but not for the worst. If it is true, "life is a gamble", then why must we strive for the best? Why must we have faith in God and pray that He would bless us with His Guidance? The way I see it, life is not a matter of rolling the dice, that we are made unable to control our destiny. We are losing the game if we ever let the dice to decide on our next move.

Mama, I have a reason to live on now. I am no longer that lonely, aimless and reckless daugther of yours. Give me a chance to prove to myself that I am worthy too, just like the other girls who you think I should examplify. The truth is that I have tried to be like them, but I just could not go on, for I shall not allow myself clowning around in other people's clothes anymore.

No, I have never discounted you from my life. You have permitted me to decide, so I have decided. Yes, you may share your fears with me, but I shall not allow that to cloud my visions for my life.

We have only ONE chance to live this life. I have decided to live it to the fullest. I will stumble and fall, and scrape my knees and all, but I shall rise and charge towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not afraid. Why should I? When I have enough love and courage to fuel my journey. This is the love and courage that you have sown within me, since I was young. I thank you for that.

As for now, mama, have trust in me, your only daugther.

CRYING

I WANT TO CRY...I WANT TO CRY....CRYING ALREADY...sob..sob..sob. I want to go home, my kids are asking for me, but I am stuck here, at work..sob..sob..