The Shattered Dreams

With much regret, I have to forget about my Latino Jam class. My heart is broken, I cannot deny it as it has been my dream to formally explore the dance techniques. The much awaited opportunity has greeted me, but I could not seize it. I was not allowed to.

My hubby has vetoed my intention to pursue this dream. He made the decision at the very last minute, when the class was about to begin just few hours ahead. The arrangement that I have made went tumbling down. I have made a promise to a friend, but due to the sudden change of 'mood', I had to put on that 'thick face' of mine and cancelled the arrangement. I hate this.

I never usually accept a "No" for an answer from anyone. I need to know why. I took the risk of asking him to explain his rash decision. He replied with views that my ego just could not digest. I had to bite my tongue really hard for I did not want to give him any of my 'third speaker rebuttals'. It would be uncalled for. "What is the point", I kept telling myself. This is the man whom I am going to serve. He eats the food I prepare for him, he puts on the shirts I iron for him and not forgeting, I am the mistress of his nights!

I could have started a fight. I could have put on that 'Drama Queen' title awarded by some friends to the test. I could have been emotional and cried like a pathetic woman before him! But what is the point, I knew he would not change his mind at that instance. Why would he anyway, when he is the Man of the Family. Let him toy around with the title, I will scheme for the next move.

I know hubby has no serious objections against me pursuing my dancing lesson. He used to say if it is an all girls' class, then it is fine. I kept silence for I was trying my best to recall seeing any all girls' tango duet..hmmm.

I told hubby I wanted to explore new possibillities, well, he said I should leave the exploring to those who are 20 years old. He reminded me that I am about 40 now (hello, nasib baik dia ni my hubby, if not mesti dah kena bantai left and right!), thus, not much time left to gamble with new stuff. Then he asked of my goal in learning Latin dance, he wondered if I was planning on being dancer. In the heat of the moment, I said "Yes". Hence, the more reason for his refusal to sanction my attendance to the class.

My hubby has never failed to support me in my endeavours. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I understand it is very tough for him to have a woman with heavy loads of personal baggage and trash as a wife. I have met a number of suitors (DUH!), but I believe none could tolerate my antics and my colourful past.

If this event today occured during the first few years of our marriage, perhaps my reaction would be different. I believe I would make a big fuss out of this, I would start calling him a dictator or anything similar to that. Then after that I would start preaching him about my rights as an individual. Then I will proceed on rubbing salt in the wound by attacking his personality, I will start criticizing his character. Then, I know the relationship would be so tense that it would break at any moment. Yes, I know I would resort to those desperate measures of an infamous Drama Queen if I was in my initial stage of marriage.

By resorting to this, it will definitely not be the way to a man's heart. How did I know? Well, he said so, on one fine day, during a blazing row over something trivial, about 8 years ago. Hubby said, "Ida, for once, please, I know you are an intelligent woman with your own worldview and all, but please for the sake of our marriage, try to stop 'menjawab'. Just listen. I am a man, I need a woman who could take heed to what I am trying to say". I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel. From that day on, I tried not to talk back at him, I kept on saying to myself, a woman's virtue is in her patience when dealing with her hubby.

Then I started to read some literature on Japanese women, how their submissiveness to their men actually become a powerful tool to control these groin driven creatures.

Gosh, it is very late now. Hubby is already asleep. He knows I have been having difficulty to sleep, especially when there lots of things on my mind. I have patches of ideas that are yet to be strung together with meaningful words. I am glad he gives me this space.

I will have to forget about attending the Latino Jam class for now, but I will never stop learning the techniques through youtube. This is not the end. When all of the lucky stars are properly aligned, when the timing is right, I believe he would reconsider. I know from this day onwards, I have to cook, iron and do things better to win my case. Touche!