Being Single

I am going to be very blunt about this, fed up of bidding around the bush trying to make a point but sadly no one understands me. I've been told so many times to COMPARTMENTALISE, WTH, am a woman. If my mind all fuzzy, be it. If I nag just a little too much, so what. If I'm been cranky, let me be, am not some Royal Highness Princess, so don't care if I show you my true colours. I ain't that ugly, you know.

So what have I been doing lately? A lot of stuff actually. But our highlight will be on my new marital status. Yes, I am divorced. And I am not proud of it, just feeling sick inside that I've to let it out. Bad girl, Ida.

Being a divorcee or let me loosely use the scandalous term here, JANDA, is a hellish experience, especially when your ex is being the whinning baby. Yea..yea...I complain, throw tantrums and have my mood swings, but I try not to bother others or make others feel shitty. Still I am not perfect.

Any plus points about being a divorcee? Yeah, few..one of it would be you get the bed all to yourself, but dang, I hate sleeping on stone cold bed all by myself. (Where's the strong manly arm to cushion my head?) So now the girls are taking charge (of the bed) and I sleep (on weekends) on my Yoga mat. The strain from 5 days of labouring wrestling with copies and kids and the stupid traffic jam, plus the snail pace Internet at work are draining out every drop of womanly goodness I have in me. I am whithering, very fast. God help me.

The kids? Coping pretty badly. Sarah, especially. She is sooo wanna be with her daddy in Sabah (yeah, the guy's got more moolah than I do, not to mention his easy going-hey-eat-and -sleep-in-front-of-the-TV attitude). I am rather rigid, or one dude used to dub me as 'frigid'. What does he know about frigidity? No sex makes a poor woman to turn cold? Hell no. (Checking). Am still OK and 'able'. Hahaha...stop visualising!

Where was I...oh the kids, the 2 boys have been unceremoniously taken away by the ex. I am too lazy to challenge his wish, let it be until the court decides. Oh dear the court...

I reckon hiring a legal assistant will definitely burn a hole in my pocket. What reckoning, it is a FACT. I tell ya, with the rate of people divorcing nowadays, the legal 'business' is surely a lucrative venture. Can you see your children's career path now? Kidding.

Coming back to the court thingy. Damn. I've not much to spare for legal pursue, but if I don't seek justice then I'll be damned. I just want my rights respected, hey, enslaved myself for 10 years plus, you know. Within that period, I popped out 4 kids, all I guess resemble him or his kins. But Adam has so much talents in music and arts (just like my Ayah)...he is good at sketching comic strips.

Pause. Change mode. Melancholic background music:

I trully miss my boys. Adam, I wonder what are you doing now. Since you've changed school, I wonder who stitches your school badges and nametags on your shirts? Who plastic wraps your books - wonder if you still keep the workbooks I bought for you when the semester reopened recently. I wonder if you still keep your Scout uniform- can you still identify your cap, scarf, belt and shirt? Remember I've stiched your initial "A" in red. Do you still have them boy? Adam, I am sorry that bapak terminated your piano lessons, I was furious because it was me who made the effort to find you proper lesson and it was Me who have been religiously paying for your fees. Remember, every Thursday night at 8.30-9.00pm mummy and your siblings used to hang around Ampang Point waiting for you? Do you remember the cafe just next to the Yamaha School that we used to have dinner before your class? I can still feel the joy of watching you enjoying your Nasi Lemak tak de sambal just lotsa nuts. Adam, you are my eldest boy...I love you so much. I wish you have a wonderful time there in Sabah, but please don't forget mummy here. Never forget your solat and mengaji, be prepared to offer me doa when I'm not around in this world. I am soooo proud of you, son. You are the most brilliant and patient Origami 'folder' I've ever known...junior category. I truly hope your new cowboy life in Sabah won't steal away such gifts you have. They are good folks in Sabah, your bapak too, sometimes... if the 'angin' is favourable. Oh yes, I still keep the ring you presented to me recently, but sorry today I forgot to put it on. I realised it when I was on my way to work...Sorry kid.

In similar mode, perhaps with most heart-wrenching background music:

Ben - my Ah Chai, why you look so Chinese? You are my baby boy, I miss you so badly. There's someone here who loves talking about you, he's been trying to make a pact with mumy to take you away with him, with a promise of unconditional love and attention and everything nice, but hell no he is gonna get you. No way jose. But that's not my point here. Ben, I still sleep with your red and orange toy cars. I sniff your shirts almost every night. I talk to your photo. I've one at the office (Oh dear, now I feel so bad living it in the darkness of my office). I love that pic, Uncle W thinks you look pretty much like bapak, minus the goggles, but I don't think so. I'll fight to get you back, Ben. I miss you too much. Please put on your shoes when you are playing outside and never ever go near the muddy pond in Atuk's backyard. And please, don't bother them chickens, OK. Oh yes, beware of them stray dogs that always come avisit. How I wish to keep an eye on you, darling....:-(

Ahhh... let's go back to our conversation just now, oh yes, being divorce. What's the big deal when there's an average of 39 cases per month, just at that particular court in Kajang? Wonder what is the world gonna be? Scary. Hence, fearful of falling in love again. But I don't intend to celebate foreva, nak mati?

I am exhausted, someone told me to go to sleep, Yup, he is damn right. To sleep I will go now. Tomorrow is another wonderful day. Oh yes, changed my relationship status on FB today, yes call me dumb, but am so fed up of people associating me with the ex. I am not his little wifey anymore, yes we looked perfect together, but that's just the surface. I know I loved him, devoted to him for at least 6 years until I saw the signs. Them signs were pretty heartbreaking ones. But I am not going to discuss about that tonite...am tired.

I need to sleep and dream of my kids....with Mr. X? Hey, get outta my dream, get into my life, dude! Nite nite...