For Sarah and Lydia

I look at you everyday and think how much you have grown. I still see you as little babies sometimes, but I know soon I have to swallow the reality that you are going to be like me. In your eyes, I could see my hopes for the future. I have unresolved conflicts within me that I will not try to burden them on your little shoulders.

I have stumbled upon so many bumps on my journey to where I am now. I know yours would not be a smooth one too, as you will learn life's valuable lessons through pains and tears, these make you stronger.

As a mother, I have my flaws, I cannot deny that, but God knows I am trying my very best. I do not have much wealth of which you could inherit, but I have abundant of love for me to shower on you, anytime, any where.

Dear daughters, through my journey, I have learnt so many things. I wish to share them with you:

1. Do not let anyone to tell you that you cannot do it. Who the Hell are these goons to decide on what you ought do in your life.

2. Be honest with the contents of your heart. Well, there will be people who will have a problem with that, but ignore them. They do not deserve your friendship.

3. Money is vital for happiness. You cannot live on love and air. Many disputes in marriage rooted from money problem. So spend wisely..and marry well (if you know what I mean!)

4. A good husband is a man who treats his mother and sisters respectfully. Your bapak is a good example, only that he is in his nasty mood because I provoked him!

5. Keep yourself clean, inside out.

6. Do not tell a man what he should do. Make things sound like suggestions, tell him that 'it is all up to his wisdom' to decide. So if things screw up he won't blame you..hehheheh.

7. There are no ugly women, only lazy ones! Make an effort to look good even though you are at home.

8. Sex in marriage is not everything. Studies show that married couples tend to stray due to communication breakdown. Make an effort to communicate, be a good listener, do not give advice if he does not ask you to.

9. Unlike orgasm, labour during child birth is real , you can't fake it. So do not have fear. All must experience it in order taste the sweetness of motherhood.

10. Love me as I am your mummy, but do not be afraid to tell me that I am wrong as I am only human.

But most importantly, LOVE yourself and those who love you! Good luck girls!

CrazySexyCool...

I am at work, sneaked out from the buzz of the room, now enjoying my Ferrero Rocher. Man how chocolate can turn me on..hehehheh. Merapu!

Have you seen the movie, Brokeback Mountain? Friends think the movie is yucky as there are scenes of two hunks locked in passionate kiss. Well, I think it is a masterpiece. It is not a typical love movie that ends with a predictable ending.

As usual, I cried as I watched the final scenes...damn, I could feel the LOVE between the guys..I am longing to feel love again...something passionate and crazy..No, I am not sick, just being my true self, not afraid to be honest to what I feel..I know what I want and I know HOW to get it.

After the movie, I decided to commit to another bloody excellent masterpiece, the book entitled "The Bridges of Madison County". I have read the book before, but I know I simply have to read it again..This passion I have inside needs recharging. As I tore the pages, I knew I'd soon come to favourite part of the whole story. No, it is not the passionate love making ritual of Francesca and Robert. I love the part when Francesca firmly decided that she shall not run away with her lover as she was pretty much tied up with the sense of duty towards her family. I like this. You see, I believe that a love story does not necessarily end in the exchange of vows. Marriage is a risky business, what started as a smooth sailing might end up in a wrackage. My point is, why take the risk of doucing the flame of passion when you can treasure it in your heart and mind. I feel sad to witness so many love stories end in divorce. How do you hate someone you used to love so much? How can these emotions from the opposite ends interchange?

You need to read the book to understand my point. I am a passionate being, I cannot help it, I am true to my heart. Last night I dreamt of my hubby being in love with another woman, I woke up glad that it was just a dream. This morning as I reflect upon the dream, I was searching for the exact emotion that I should feel. Should I be angry? For what? Then I figured, if he wants to be in love with another, so be it. I cannot stop him nor he can stop me. At least I know he still can love. But why another? Well, maybe I have been idle or dull that motivate him to change his course. I cannot be so selfish to restrain him from being a man. I just do not want to be the last to know about this, and that he must never forget his responsibilities to the family.

I wish he could give me the similar space that I am willing to give him. But then, coming back to reality, that kind of understanding only happens in Utopia. He is definitely going to get himself "killed" if the dream becomes a reality!

Anyway, here is the clip from the movie. Man, I really love Heath Ledger. Rest I Peace Heath, will always love you!

Over Reacting Mama

Dearies, darling friends..words cannot describe how much I really miss you guys and girls..actually, I miss the ladies more la..hahahha.

Now I'm at work actually, on official work, so sorry cannot reveal what task as I've already signed the secrecy oath..yucks!

Visited my FB, goodness..soooooo happy to find someone who I have been searching for almost a decade, now is MY friend....hahahhaha. Hope won't get into trouble with my other half..heheh.

Goodness, life is great! Oppss..my boss is here, got to pretend busy giler..hahaha...Will write some more crazy and sexy stuff soon..

P/S: Can't wait for the vacation in Tokyo...Onsen, here I come! Oh yes, no more PMS already..smooth sailing now...

PMS

Have you ever felt suspicious of your other half? How do you react to it. I tell ya, I would go to a great extent to disprove (or maybe prove) my suspicion. I would utilize my 'secret agent-investigating' skills, a 'talent' naturally confered upon me, the very moment God fashioned me a female. I would not probe him much as that would lure him to lie. A woman must know how to work around her man, put the puzzle in place and make deductions from the clues obtained. I think I have been scheming and investigating too much that sometimes I feel really sick in the stomach. But what to do, it is a fun sport to fulfill the 'low tide' moments. Whatever that means!

Hubby is back from the trip. He was not looking all excited and rejuvenated like he was suppose to (he just came back from a work trip to Pulau Pangkor). Yeah, maybe it was just Pangkor, not Redang or Langkawi. I could see that he did not snap any interesting photos (uninteresting to my eyes, but may be some of them really tickle his fancy? Hmmmm...). Photos of the ocean, the warship KD something, ixoras, the chalet and the resort...nothing on the human factor of the whole trip....hmmmmm...

I was out shopping with my daughter last night, so he came home first. I was hoping to arrive home before he did, as I was wearing a top that I knew he would not approve on me wearing. But too late, he was there observing me from the darkness of our 5th floor balcony. Luckily, he said nothing about it, only that he said, "Cantiknya you ni..". I did not care what underlying meanings did that statement conceive. Nevertheless, I gave him a BIG hug.

He had unpacked his stuff...hmmm. (To erase suspicious tracks, I suppose?). Browsed through his messages and calls, ok clear. Pressed the 'redail' button of my house phone, just in case. Hmmm..I wonder whose number is this now? He suggested maybe the maid has been using the phone. (Well, yes I asked the maid the first thing in the morning, she gave me a positive answer, only that she said she has dailed the wrong number...hmmm.

He bought a music box for Sarah, for her birthday, I think that was just so sweet. I cooked Tomyam, tasted like boiled chilli water with the aroma of lemon grass and kaffir leaves..horrible, but still he said it was ok...(I blame the Tomyam Cubes I used, tastes nasty!). Poor guy, I wonder whether he was telling the truth, or perhaps he did it out of fear..of what? Hmmmmm...

He told me about the movies he watched on Starmovies, I wondered when did he actually work? Hmmmm...He gave me a review of a movie about a married man's infidelity..he said it's a nice movie..I wonder why does he think the movie is nice? Hmmmmm....

I, in return narrated to him the one I watched during his absent, "Brokeback Mountain"..he viewed it as 'sick' but I think it is just so sexy..hahhahahahah.

Well, even though all looks ok, still one cannot be too sure. I think this is sick. Say what's the date today? Oh the 12th, now I know why. PMS. Better get myself busy with things or I'll be pestering him till the second day of the 'crimson curse'. Duh! Poor Darling...

I hope am I not the sickest woman in this world. Someone used to tell me that I tend to be suspicious because it is actually the manifestation of my own devilish scheme. I mean, I do not trust myself. I am the one that might go astray....hmmmm. Perhaps...

Big Spender

My God, I'm broke! Checked my account just now, and it's clear that I'm a few thousands poorer. Goodness, what did I spend on? I thought I've been leading a modest life, I do not spend much on handbags and clothes.

Hubby forbids me from having a credit card. He has made the right decision as he knows that I'll be in deeper trouble if I had credits to clear at month's end. I simlply do not have the guts to show him my bank account statement, he'll be cross with me. What am I to do?

I need help to cure my over spending sickness. Should I hide my ATM card away? I feel bad. I need help, ASAP.

The Call

He called to wish me goodnight. He might not be the most romantic man in the world, but he called. I appreciate the effort. He knows I'm alone tonight and that I just hate sleeping alone, so he called. The conversation was short but sweet, but I'm contented.

Will he ever call me again tomorrow to wish me good morning? I just can't tell. I'll wait for him patiently as good things happen to those who wait.

The night is cruel when you are alone. The stillness of the room sends chill to my spine. The coldness of the sheets sting my skin. So be it! I will be in slumber effortlessly, as he called to wish me goodnight.

To forgive and forget

Phew..such a hectic life I'm having now..work and work and work. I have no time for myself and kids, I even missed my monthly facial treatment and body masage. I have not been working out in the gym for weeks now...all because of work. Looking forward for the holiday, but then just receive a directive today to invigilate the STPM exams from 12 November - 4 December. Sigh..there goes half of my holiday..and on the 13 - 16 December, I'll be busy preparing for the Tokyo trip scheduled 16 - 25 December 2008. I thought I want to organize a house warming kenduri doa selamat cum open house late November, I wonder if that can be materialized.

Well, actually that is not my point for scribbling in this blog today. I just want to reflect something on a (good) deed I've done. Now don't get me wrong, I am not to boast about how good a person I am, just sharing...

Few months back, I was harshly approached by a colleague. The way she spoke to me was as if I have neglected my responsiblity as the class teacher. The problem was that she has misunderstood the instruction given during the assembly, so she thought that I did not do my work and that I was simply trying to escape from my duty. I was so stressed up with work at that time , so I responded to her rather harshly. I don't do that to colleagues as I know that would be unprofessional. (This person has done several things to hurt my feelings too.)

I got so upset that I work a comment on my status on Facebook, some friends wanted to know why but I just said it was a problem at work. Then days after the incident, we had this Mohon Restu Program, in which we all 'bersalam-salaman' as the Eid was just around the corner.

There she was, standing in the line...I hesitated to get close to her as we have not been in talking terms since the rude encounter. But then, I listened to the angelic side of me..I went to her and salam cium tangan lagi. I knew she was kinda surprise as maybe she thought that I would not humble myself to that extent. ( Many said that I look arrogant and unfriendly..but actually, I take time to warm up to strangers. I might be ter'over' friendly when chatting on the Net, but in actual fact, I prefer to listen and crack a few jokes and observe and ponder about things before me..) I can also sit still and do nothing (if not reading)..I will look pensive, but actually my mind is scheming or imagining things..sigh, I am a loner, sometimes...

Well, back to my story, so after that salam cium tangan incident, she spoke to me, I cracked jokes, she laughed..everything seems ok...

At this moment, the teachers are very busy trying to finalize so many things, there are files to complete, accounts to close..and so on and so forth...On top of that we are going to have this Graduation Day, so the whole school is buzzing. Anyway, I know that I have to complete this filing task for my Uniform Body, I hate doing this.

God is Great. To my surprise, this friend of mine, who happens to be my partner in the same extra cocurricular unit, has taken the initiative to take up the task. Alhamdulillah. I acknowledged her effort and thanked her, she said it is ok. She even saved her work in the desktop at the teacher's computer room, just in case I need to use the template in the future. Goodness..now I know it pays to be kind and forgiving to others. She has definitely lifted one big concrete off my shoulder. May God bless those who are helpful to others.